So now that the holidays are over and our end of year processes are basically done here at work, I can get back into my normal routine again and possibly start having some time to update this blog from time to time. I could go into the whole holiday recap, but honestly, it’s a little late for that and hasn’t everyone already done that? Suffice it to say, my holidays were great and I am an extremely spoiled girl. Shocking, no?

Since I really don’t have any type of segue from the above paragraph into relaying to you a story about my complete and utter stupidity, I’ll just dive right in and tell you what happened and let the mocking begin.

Things had been crazy at work, the Christmas madness was totally stressing me out and I was running on empty and existing on little more that caffeine and cigarettes, so needless to say, my body was a little out of wack when I noticed that I was “late” by about two weeks. Huh…odd.

Disclaimer: No, I am not pregnant. You can all stop panicking and preparing themselves for the apocalypse and the imminent arrival of the antichrist.

Well, I did what any logical person would do and went into the bathroom and peed on a stick…ya know, just to be on the safe side and to figure out if my vodka consumption needed to slow down so that the imaginary devil child would grow up big and strong….and not drunk.

I waited the specified three minutes and then went to check if the test showed the one line or two. It showed one and a half lines. WTF?!?! What is that supposed to mean? I’m only half pregnant?

I then started banging my head against the bathroom counter while simultaneously calling my friend to figure out what the hell 1.5 lines meant. We decided that the only thing to do was go to CVS and get another damn test. I pretty much knew I wasn’t pregnant, so I wasn’t that concerned, but I still wanted to be sure. I figured I had some errands to run the next day and could pick up another test and while I was out then, rather than making a special trip to CVS.

Yeah, I was in my car exactly 3.9 seconds later and headed towards CVS. In case you havn’t noticed….I am not a patient person.

Once in CVS, I am faced with about 9 bazillion different choices in pregnancy tests. I decide to fork over the extra cash for the spiffy digital tests that very clearly state “YES” or “NO”…no more fucking around with this one or two line business for me.

I get home, pee on yet another stick and call my friend back while waiting the longest three minutes in the history of three minute incriments. Finally it was time to check the test and what follows is the actual conversation that took place:

Her: Well? What does it say?

Me: Oh fuck. It says “ON”!!! What the hell does that mean?

Her: What do you mean it says “ON”?

Me: I mean it says “ON”. Does that mean my uterus has been turned on and I’m pregnant?

Her: Do you have to turn the test on or something before you pee on it?

Me: No, the directions said nothing about having to turn the damn thing on. Oh shit…what the hell does this mean? Do I have to go back to the fucking CVS?

Her: Hang on, I’ll see if I can find the company’s website. Maybe they have a FAQ section or something.

Me: Do you really think that “Why does my pregnancy test say ON is really all that frequently asked”?

Her: Shut up. Stop freaking out. We’ll get it figured out.

Me: Well hurry up because I’m freaking out. Fuck…what the hell does “ON” mean? This is unacceptable…I specifically bought the test without the lines so that I could avoid any confusion!

Her: Um…dumbass?

Me: What? Why are you calling me dumbass?

Her: Turn the fucking test around. It doesn’t say “ON”, it says “NO” you idiot. You’re looking at it upside-down.

Me: Fuck.

I am continually puzzled by people’s need to shove religion down my throat.  I’m also continually puzzled by how people can assume that their religion is the only correct religion and everyone who does not believe as they do are at best, raving idiots and complete heretics and at worse going directly to whatever hell their religion mandates.

I was forwarded an email from our (crazy) Administrative Assistant today about how the USPS is planning on releasing a holiday stamp that has some kind of holiday greeting written in, what I assume to be Arabic.  The whole email was a diatribe about not letting the Muslims take over Christmas and how we, as Americans, should not allow Muslims to….actually, I’m still not sure what it is we’re not supposed to let Muslims do, because once I see the words “God, Our Country, America, Christianity and Terrorists” in the same email; I stop reading.

Crazy Ass Admin then went on into a frenzy about how “This is our country and we should be able to practice OUR religion without the Muslims trying to interfere” and “If they want to practice their religion, they need to do it quietly and stop trying to ruin Christmas for the rest of us by making everyone say ‘Happy Holidays’ because it’s not a holiday, it’s Christmas and I should be allowed to say Merry Christmas if I want to”.  This was followed by my personal favorite statement of “I just get really upset when someone stomps on my Lord and I can understand how people would blow up a Mosque”!

First of all….What the Fuck?!?!  Why is it that people who profess to be “Good Christians” (however the hell that is defined – since I have yet to get a good definition or even a consistent one for that matter) are some of the first people to advocate violence towards someone whose beliefs differ from their own?  Why is it okay for you to say that blowing up a Mosque is acceptable when you would be the first one leading the villagers with their torches and pitchforks through the town square if anyone, be they Muslim, Jewish, Wiccian, whatever dared to even question your Christianity let alone make a threat of violence towards one of your churches?!?!

Secondly, how exactly are the Muslims “stealing Christmas” from you?  Let me let you in on a little secret…Most respected biblical archeologists generally agree that the birth of Jesus took place sometime in mid April and not on December 25^th as you so blindly accept.  So why do we celebrate Christmas on December 25^th?  Because the Romans celebrated the birth of the god Mithras on that date, the Druids celebrated the winter solstice around that time and it was easier for the early Christians to use that date to assist in their “conversions” than try and get people to embrace an entirely new holiday (and don’t even get me started on how violent those ‘conversions’ were).  Hell, some of our most commonplace Christmas traditions are Pagan in origin…Christmas trees, yule logs, mistletoe, etc.  Yeah…the Muslims are not stealing anything….your beloved church stole “Christmas” from the Pagans!

Third…do I really need to get into how this country was founded by people who were fleeing religions persecution?  You claim to be a “proud American”, so why is it that you cannot embrace what your country was founded on and allow people the respect to practice their faith, whatever faith that may be, without having to hide?  What next?  Are we going to start burning people as witches and heretics in the parking lot of the mall right next to the live nativity scene all in the name of the one religion you deem acceptable?

I’m not knocking Christianity, if that is something that you are comfortable with and take comfort from those beliefs, then by all means, go for it,  but don’t take away someone else’s right to do the same thing just because they are worshiping Buddha, Allah, Mother Nature, or whatever rather than worshipping Christ.  Not all Muslims are terrorists, not all Pagans are devil worshipers…just like not all Christians are narrow minded idiots.

I could go on for hours about this (I haven’t even gotten into how inappropriate that entire comment is in a workplace environment), but I need to get back to work, so I’ll get off my soapbox now.

Our Administrative Assistant is a lovely, albeit slightly insane women in her 60’s who has giant Texas hair, likes to talk about Jesus a lot and once, I had to but her boobs back into her tank top when she got really drunk at a company function.  She also keeps asking me if I know any men that I can fix her up with, because apparently I look like I keep the names and phone numbers for random single men in their 60’s in my rolodex.

Our Marketing Manager is a guy in his early 30’s from a tiny town in Louisiana. He’s a really nice, pretty mild mannered guy.  This is all important to keep in mind while I’m relaying the actual conversation that is going on outside my office at this very moment.

Administrative Assistant: Don’t you have any single uncles or a grandfather or something that you can fix me up with?

Marketing Manager:  I only have one uncle who is single, but he’s a hermit who lives in the swamp.  He has a Ph.D. and he used to be a professor, but now he got tired of that and now he’s a crab fishing hermit. (note: it was the words “crab fishing hermit” that had me laughing so hard I almost pissed myself)

AA: You should invite him to Houston so I can meet him.

MM: He’s a hermit.  He won’t come to Houston and I’m not sure if he even has a phone.

AA: Well maybe we can drive out to Louisiana one day and I can meet him.  Why is he still single?  You know…I have to take two Xanax before I can go on long car rides.

MM:(with a puzzled, almost terrified look on is face)  Okaaaayy. 

This is where I closed my office door, sat on the floor and laughed so hard that diet coke came out of my nose.  WHY IS HE SINGLE?!?!?!  I’m thinking that the fact that he’s a CRAB FISHING HERMIT WHO LIVES IN A SWAMP might possibly have something to do with it.

A reminder that when one is married to a woman with Lupus, one DOES NOT come down with the death flu!!!  Why does one not come down with the death flu when ones wife has Lupus?  BECAUSE SHE HAS NO DAMN IMMUNE SYSTEM AND IS NOW LAYING UNDER HER DESK PRAYING FOR DEATH!!!

I promise an actual update at some point this week, complete with a description of the weird boiled turkey that was served to me on Thanksgiving and how I actually made it through Thanksgiving TOTALLY SOBER (yes…I was too hung over from the night before, but whatever…not the point) However, I must now muster up the strength to get out from under my desk and walk all the way to the parking lot and drive all the way home. 

I really need one of those Star Trek teleportation thingies.

Really?  Like I didn’t already know this: