Undeniable Proof the Universe Has Gone Batshit Crazy

Recent “signs” have led me to the very scientific conclusion that the universe has gone and spun right the fuck of its axis and we’re now living in a world of chaos, insanity and general batshit craziness. I present to you the following undeniable proof:

 Exhibit One: I had a conversation with a new employee yesterday regarding his insurance coverage that went a little something like this:

 New Employee: I’m calling about coverage for my child

 Me: Okay, what’s your child’s name?

NE: Michael Cervantes

Me: Oh, kind of like Don Quixote

NE: No, his name is Michael, not Don. It’s Miiiichaaael (said extremely slowly because apparently I’m an idiot and couldn’t understand him the first time)

Me: No, I understand that, it’s just that….never mind. 

I put phone on mute and beat my head against my desk for a few minutes, and then we continued the conversation and got his enrollment issues resolved. Fifteen minutes later I get an email from him stating that he “just wanted to reiterate that his son’s name is MICHAEL, not DON”. I died a little inside that I live in a world where this conversation is possible and then had a ten minute dialogue with myself about the pros and cons of changing both his and his son’s name to Don with our insurance carrier. (Hint: the cons won, but only because I like being able to afford shoes and wine).

Exhibit Two: A midget porn star that apparently looked alarmingly like Gordon Ramsey was eaten by Badgers. Yes, you heard me correctly…EATEN by freaking BADGERS. I would love to go into more elaborate details about this, but really? What else needs to be said other than a MIDGET PORN STAR WAS EATEN BY BADGERS? Here, go see for yourself. 

Okay, there may possibly be one other thing to mention and that is that the midget’s friends were apparently concerned for his well being because the porn industry is filled with all sorts of pressure (which is what the midget’s ass was probably saying as well…ya know, because…never mind, I’m only funny in my own brain), and they were concerned that he may be suicidal. So not only do we have a dead midget to deal with, there is the very real possibility that this may be a case of Suicide by Badger.

Exhibit Three: The husband of Michael Salahi of “Real Housewives of Whatever Dipshit County Happens to Be Popular at the Moment” and White House Party Crashing “fame” called authorities to report that his wife had been kidnapped. Turns out that she wasn’t kidnapped…..she had ran away, not to join the circus as would have been befitting, but had ran away with the guitarist from Journey.

 Now, I really could care less that this woman left her husband, but who in their right minds would leave their husbands to run away with ANY member of Journey? Run away to be with Trent Reznor? I’m totally on board. Run away to be with Rob Zombie? I will probably beat you to that one. Hell, even running away with Lou Reed who’s older than dirt makes more sense because he’s Lou Fucking Reed and is, therefore, cooler than you will ever be.  All of those (highly improbable) scenarios make far more sense to me than leaving your husband for the guitar player for Journey.

 Now, because I must do this, I wonder if the reason she left her husband and fled into the “Open Arms” of Mr. Journey is because she finally DID “Stop Believing” that her husband had been behaving “Faithfully”. I apologize…that simply had to be done.

Thus concludes my presentation to you, dear internets, of the very scientific findings that prove, beyond a reasonable doubt that the universe has lost its damn mind.