The Etiquette Files

Here’s the deal, people….civilized society has basic rules which one follows to ensure society stays, well, civilized.  These rules are not to be ignored.  Seriously. The rules get mightily pissed off when you ignore them, kind of like a drunk girl in a bar who’s talking just a tad too loudly and has an inappropriate amount of cleavage showing.   That girl hates being ignored and so do the rules of etiquette.  If you choose to ignore these rules, chances are pretty good that you’re going to make yourself look like an ass (again, much like the drunken girl) and your mother and very possibly your grandmother are going to beat at their chests, pull at their hair and wail loudly “Oh, where did I go wrong?!?!”.  You really don’t want to be responsible for that kind of trauma to the women who made you chocolate chip cookies and took care of you when you were sick, do you?

Since society at large apparently needs a reminder of the basic rules of etiquette, we’re going to cover just a couple of the basics here.  Okay, we’re really doing this because these are things that annoy the ever loving hell out of me, but really, there are people out there that need to know this stuff.

Wedding Invitations:

Before I even get started on this please note: This is in no way triggered by the wedding invitations I’ve received recently. You are all lovely and your wedding is going to be awesome.  That being said, please, for the love of all that is holy, stop enclosing your wedding registry or requests for cash instead of gifts along with your invitation!!!  It is wrong.  It is inappropriate.  It is one of those things that are “just not done”.

You are, presumably, inviting someone to your wedding because you want them to share this very important event with you.  You are not inviting them to your wedding for the sole purpose of having them bring a gift.  I know that this may shock some of you, but wedding guests are not actually obligated to give you a gift (although, unless they are incredibly rude themselves, they will give you something).  It’s tacky as hell to send someone an invitation and then give them the message that “you are dumb as a bowl of pudding and I don’t think you know that you need to show up with a gift.  Furthermore, I’m fairly convinced that you’ll get me something I don’t want and rather than be gracious and pleased that you were kind enough to think of me and go out of your way to purchase something you think I may like/want/need, I’m going to give you a list of shit to buy me, kind of like I did when I was 5 and made out a Christmas list for Santa”.  No.  It’s just wrong, so stop doing it.

While on the subject of wedding invitations, (and I know you’re going to disagree with me, here), you need to know that wedding invitations should be plain.  This is not the place to have clipart of little doves holding hands or midgets fornicating or lime green ink.  Wedding invitations should be on good quality card stock in white or ivory with black ink.  If you want to get all crazy and fancy, navy blue ink is okay, as are embossed edges, but stop it with these brown and teal wedding invitations with pictures of yourselves or cutesy poems. 

I could go on for 23 days about wedding invitations, but since there is more stuff you need to know, we’ll move on.

Baby Showers:

The entire purpose of a baby shower is to help the new mother prepare for the birth of her FIRST child by supplying her/the baby with things they will need.  You get ONE baby shower.  Period.  If you have more kids, tough shit, you already have stuff from your first child and don’t need another bouncy chair, 3007 bibs and 400 receiving blankets.  If you do need that stuff, you get to go and buy it your damn self and not ask your friends for it. 

As for baby shower invitations…this is the ONLY time it’s appropriate to include registry information in an invitation.  That’s it.  Never again.  No, not even for your one year olds birthday party (although, truth be told, you shouldn’t be registering for gifts for any event other than your wedding or baby shower).

Thank You Notes:

Send them.  For everything.  You already know that you send a thank you note for wedding and bridal or baby shower gifts, but you also need to send them for birthday gifts, letters of recommendation, and your neighbor taking care of your dogs while you’re in Cabo for the weekend.  Basically, if someone has purchased something for you, assist you in any way or just went out of their way to be kind to you, you send them a thank you note, preferably within a week or two of whatever event took place that caused them to deserve the thank you note in the first place.

As with wedding invitations, thank you notes should be plan.  Traditionally, they shouldn’t even include the words “Thank You” on them, but this isn’t 1882, so I’m not going to insist on that.  However, stop it with the ridiculous colors and fonts and for the love of all that is holy, they’d better not have a picture on them.  If you want to come across as classy and having impeccable manners, go to Crane’s and order yourself some personalized stationary. 

You’re Welcome:

When someone says “Thank you”, the only acceptable response is “You’re welcome”.  The following words/phrases are not to be used as a response: Sure, No big deal, Yeah, Okay, No problem, Kiss my ass.  Especially that last one.  Definitely don’t use that last one unless the person thanking you is being a sarcastic jerk and then you can tell them to kiss your ass.  Of course, you may want to evaluate who you’re talking to before you use that one, because I can personally attest to the fact that bosses HATE when you tell them to kiss your ass.  Don’t say I didn’t warn you.

 

I could literally write a book on this kind of stuff, but, unfortunately, I have to go work.  Not the write-y kind of work, but the kind that allows me to purchase personalized stationary from Cranes.  I do, however, feel that there will definitely be a part two to this whole “Stuff You Need to Know: The Etiquette Edition”. 

So what Etiquette infractions bother you the most?  Comment and let me know and perhaps they will work their way into volume two of my etiquette/manners diatribe.