A Tale of Two Pregnancy Tests

So now that the holidays are over and our end of year processes are basically done here at work, I can get back into my normal routine again and possibly start having some time to update this blog from time to time. I could go into the whole holiday recap, but honestly, it’s a little late for that and hasn’t everyone already done that? Suffice it to say, my holidays were great and I am an extremely spoiled girl. Shocking, no?

Since I really don’t have any type of segue from the above paragraph into relaying to you a story about my complete and utter stupidity, I’ll just dive right in and tell you what happened and let the mocking begin.

Things had been crazy at work, the Christmas madness was totally stressing me out and I was running on empty and existing on little more that caffeine and cigarettes, so needless to say, my body was a little out of wack when I noticed that I was “late” by about two weeks. Huh…odd.

Disclaimer: No, I am not pregnant. You can all stop panicking and preparing themselves for the apocalypse and the imminent arrival of the antichrist.

Well, I did what any logical person would do and went into the bathroom and peed on a stick…ya know, just to be on the safe side and to figure out if my vodka consumption needed to slow down so that the imaginary devil child would grow up big and strong….and not drunk.

I waited the specified three minutes and then went to check if the test showed the one line or two. It showed one and a half lines. WTF?!?! What is that supposed to mean? I’m only half pregnant?

I then started banging my head against the bathroom counter while simultaneously calling my friend to figure out what the hell 1.5 lines meant. We decided that the only thing to do was go to CVS and get another damn test. I pretty much knew I wasn’t pregnant, so I wasn’t that concerned, but I still wanted to be sure. I figured I had some errands to run the next day and could pick up another test and while I was out then, rather than making a special trip to CVS.

Yeah, I was in my car exactly 3.9 seconds later and headed towards CVS. In case you havn’t noticed….I am not a patient person.

Once in CVS, I am faced with about 9 bazillion different choices in pregnancy tests. I decide to fork over the extra cash for the spiffy digital tests that very clearly state “YES” or “NO”…no more fucking around with this one or two line business for me.

I get home, pee on yet another stick and call my friend back while waiting the longest three minutes in the history of three minute incriments. Finally it was time to check the test and what follows is the actual conversation that took place:

Her: Well? What does it say?

Me: Oh fuck. It says “ON”!!! What the hell does that mean?

Her: What do you mean it says “ON”?

Me: I mean it says “ON”. Does that mean my uterus has been turned on and I’m pregnant?

Her: Do you have to turn the test on or something before you pee on it?

Me: No, the directions said nothing about having to turn the damn thing on. Oh shit…what the hell does this mean? Do I have to go back to the fucking CVS?

Her: Hang on, I’ll see if I can find the company’s website. Maybe they have a FAQ section or something.

Me: Do you really think that “Why does my pregnancy test say ON is really all that frequently asked”?

Her: Shut up. Stop freaking out. We’ll get it figured out.

Me: Well hurry up because I’m freaking out. Fuck…what the hell does “ON” mean? This is unacceptable…I specifically bought the test without the lines so that I could avoid any confusion!

Her: Um…dumbass?

Me: What? Why are you calling me dumbass?

Her: Turn the fucking test around. It doesn’t say “ON”, it says “NO” you idiot. You’re looking at it upside-down.

Me: Fuck.