A True Tale of Horror

Once upon time, a very long time ago, in a not at all magical land called Dublin, Ohio a 10 year old girl who would one day grow up to have a blog and a fantastic working knowledge of sarcasm, threw had a slumber party for 5 of her closest friends.

 

As would be revealed in her teenage years (once her obsession with The Cure became all too apparent), the little girl had a bit of a fascination with the macabre.  This very fascination, while later contributing to her witty, yet somewhat disturbing sense of humor as an adult, is what also led her to decide renting The Exorcist to show to all of her little friends would be a simply wonderful idea.

 

Our somewhat disturbed little heroine had an equally disturbed friend named Bryn and a sweet, innocent and extremely gullible friend named Heather who were both planning on attending the slumber party, much to the twisted little host’s delight.

 

The six girls, after decimating the makeup collection of the warped and never to be trusted again host’s mother wandered down to the living room, snuggled up in their sleeping bags, turned off all the lights and settled in to watch The Exorcist.

 

Needless to say, this movie scared the crap out of each and every one of these little girls with the exception of the demented Bryn who snuck upstairs to our evil little heroine’s bedroom unnoticed by the other little girls at some point during the movie.  The movie, which incidentally, I believe was 1973’s “feel good movie of the year”, but I digress.

 

The sick and demented Bryn had earlier in the night noticed that our slumber party host had a crucifix hanging in her room, just as each of these girls did being the good Catholic children that they were.  Bryn had also, unbeknownst to the rest of the girls, seen The Exorcist before. 

 

Shortly after Linda Blair spewed pea soup all over a priest and then did things to herself with a crucifix that required the little girls to get therapy after witnessing them, the unimaginably demented Bryn let out a blood curdling scream.

 

Realizing that, based on the screaming, one of their very best friends was surely about to meet her doom in the slumber party host’s bedroom, the remaining 5 girls ran up the stairs as fast as they could only to see Bryn pointing in sheer terror at a now upside-down crucifix hanging on the wall.  The girls were terrified and convinced that there was an unknown evil in the house that was sure to kill them all and began screaming bloody murder.  This lasted for about 10 seconds until they decided the best course of action would be to run like hell.

 

The little girls fled down the hallway, led by the very sweet, but very gullible Heather, who upon coming to the staircase simply froze.  She was so terrified she was unable to move and no amount of demon possession was going to change that.

 

Our evil little heroine, who was convinced that the devil was finally coming to get her (just as her grandmother had always told her would happen if she wasn’t good) was not going to let a little thing like her best friend’s body get in the way of getting the hell out of the house.  So, she did the only thing she could do and pushed Heather down the stairs. 

 

Once the demented Bryn saw Heather’s now semi-lifeless body laying at the foot of the stairs as the 4 other girls jumped over her and ran out the front door and down the street, she realized that perhaps she had demonstrated an error in judgment and told the girls that it was she who had turned the crucifix upside-down and not Satan himself as originally thought.

 

Imagine the horror of the slumber party host’s mother as Bryn tearfully confessed to the prank.  Imagine the very pissed off mother chasing 4 hysterical girls down the street…4 little girls who are running in 4 different directions all while screaming that “The Power of Christ Compels You!!!” at the top of their lungs.  Imagine the completely irate mother who had to calm down the beyond hysterical and now near catatonic Heather. 

 

And that is why the little girl wasn’t allowed to have anymore slumber parties for a very long time.

 

The End.

 

***Yes, my mom knew we were watching The Exorcist.  Yes, she checked that it was okay with all the other parents that we were going to watch The Exorcist.  Yes, we were all raised by idiots who figured “what harm could it do”.