I Fixed the Economy & Nick Ran Over a Homeless Man

No really, I single-handedly fixed the economy.  I went shopping with Marissa and Sarah on Saturday and spent enough money to drag this country kicking and screaming out of this recession we’re having.  Seriously, it is all okay now, stop watching your 401(k)’s tank and waiting for the Fed to lower interest rates, we’re all going to be okay, and I got pretty, pretty clothes in the bargain.

As for Nick running over the homeless man, I am not exaggerating here, and you all need to mock him unmercifully for this (as I have been since it happened).  Now, before anyone freaks out; he didn’t actually kill the homeless man, the guy wasn’t even injured.

 

We were on our way back from the Vagiana Festival (which, incidentally was rather fun, but holy hell there were a lot of drunk women falling down there) and since we were both starving, we decided to go to one of our favorite 24 hour Mexican restaurant.  This story makes much more sense if you happen to know where Spanish Flowers in Houston is located…and that would be, in the freaking ghetto. 

 

We are stopped at a light on the corner of Holy-Hell-There’s-a-Man-with-a-Gun Ave. and Crack Baby Ln. where 4 or 5 panhandlers were asking for change.  Now, this in and of it’s self is not a big deal.  We live in Houston, there are going to be panhandlers and 99.9% of them are harmless and I usually feel sorry for them and give them a dollar, but we were fortunate to run into a crazy man.

 

The crazy man in question (who looked exactly like the Unibomber) approached the car with a bucket of typhoid infested water and a squeegee attempting to clean Nick’s windshield.  Now, the guys who attempt to wash your windshield while you’re stopped at a red light are probably Nick’s biggest pet peeve in the entire world, even more than sushi, Joni Mitchell or people who say “No, I’m good” in response to his asking “May I help you?” when they come into his store because, apparently, he didn’t ask them if they were “good” or not.

 

Anyway…Typhoid Water Squeegee Dude decides, even after Nick has told him not to, that he is going to wash the windshield regardless of Nick’s increasingly loud protests.  Nick decides that his only course of action is to turn on his windshield wipers, because, ya know…that’s going to stop a crazy dude dead in his tracks.

 

“Oh No!!! Not the windshield wipers!!!  I am powerless against their wiping action and terrified by how quickly they move.  RUN AWAY!!!  Before they ATTACK!!!”

 

This only served to anger the Typhoid Water Squeegee Dude who began flailing his arms wildly and shouting something that was completely unintelligible.  So (and please remember that we’re stopped at a red light here) Nick decided that since this man was not appropriately terrified of the windshield wipers, his only course of action was to pull the car ahead by about 6 inches.  Upon doing this, Typhoid Water Squeegee Dude started screaming, grabbing his foot, and smacking the crap out of the side mirror on the car.  At which point, my husband screamed something that sounded like “AGGKKAHGRRRB SNERFICLE” and pulled full on into oncoming traffic.

 

Thankfully we were not killed by a giant truck that actually had the right of way at that particular intersection.  Nor was the homeless guy injured because he was still waving his arms and threatening the car behind us with his squeegee.

 

We get to the restaurant without any further incident and when I saw the police officer who was guarding the restaurant (I told you it was in the ghetto) I threatened Nick that I was going to tell the officer that he had just mutilated a homeless man with his car.  Nick promptly told me to shut the hell up or he would leave me in the ghetto.

 

And of course, we had to pass the same damned intersection on our way home and saw the undeterred Typhoid Water Squeegee Dude still trying to wash people’s windshields weather they wanted him to or not, so I don’t think the guy was actually injured.  But that isn’t stopping me from mocking Nick and calling him the “Assassin of the Homeless”.

 

Do I need to point out he fact that Nick was not at all amused when we were driving to Empire Café on Sunday and saw another homeless man and I decided to say “Sir, you need to RUN!!!  Get out of the way!!! My husband likes to run over panhandlers!!!”

 

And then Nick tried to leave me on the side of the road.

 

So he could turn around, come back, and run me over.