Random Letters

Dear Company I Work For:

Enough Already!  You’re freaking everyone right the fuck out with your shenanigans, and all that other stuff I’m not allowed to talk about.  At least let me blog about this so people won’t think I’m crazy when I start abusing prescription drugs.  

Also, don’t forget that as your HR person, I’m the one who has to deal with the above mentioned employees who are freaking the fuck out, so please at least make my day more bearable by allowing me to wear sweatpants to work.

 Oh, and another thing….turn the fucking air conditioner off as we are all freezing to death!

 Sincerely,

Your extremely stressed, almost panicking HR chick

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 Dear Skin,

 What the fuck?  When did you decide to go all adolescent on me and start breaking the hell out?  I have been extremely kind to you.  I have lavished you with very expensive cleansers and moisturizers, never gone to sleep with makeup on my face, always made sure I was drinking enough water and have not dared to let any amount of sunlight hit my face without a protective SPF barrier in the last 15 years!!!  Why hast thou forsaken me?

 Please get your shit together,

The one you are currently making look horrible

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 Dear Sephoria,

 If you are out of that Benefit Boo-Boo Zit Zapper stuff then there is a very good chance that I will have a complete meltdown in your store.  There is also about an 85.2% chance that crying will be involved.

 You really are the closest thing I have to a religion,

The one who spends way too much money in your store

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  Dear Crazy In-Law’s

 No, for the 9 Billionth time, I don’t want to haul my ass over to your house to watch FIL open the birthday presents he got last week from various people who are not me.  I had a crappy week and just don’t want to.

 No, I don’t want you to “just leave all the gifts out on the living room floor so that I can take a look at them the next time I come over” which should be any moment now since you haven’t seen me in a whopping 6 days and are calling incessantly to remind me of that fact.  Please put that shit in the closet where you won’t look at it for at least 2 years along with all the other crap people have gotten you over the years that you will eventually re-gift.

 And, for the love of all that is holy, let me have a weekend with my husband where you are not calling every 5 minutes. 

 I love you both to death, but you are crazy and should be put in a test tube and studied by high ranking government officials wearing HazMat suits, like those guys in E.T.

 Kisses,

Your somewhat disgruntled daughter-in-law

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 Dear Husband,

 If you answer the phone this weekend, I will have to kill you.  Also, why are you making me go to the Vagiana Festival?  I actually HAVE a vigiana and don’t want to go, and don’t tell me that just because the chick that used to be in K’s Choice is going to be there is a valid reason.

 I want to go to Rise Against and you want to go to the Vagiana Festival.  I think we have some gender identity issues to work out, but I still love you tons.

 You are a saint for marrying me,

Your insane wife who doesn’t know how you put up with her