This is what goes on in my brain…

Not a whole hell of a lot has been going on lately and unfortunately, I’m running a little low on ideas for topics to write about.  However, since I’m trying to hold myself to my promise to post at least 2-3 times per week, you get to be subjected to the random thoughts that are floating around in my head.  I will, in the interest of keeping this website at least minimally interesting provide you with a new format for the random thoughts that are floating around in my head: letter form (bullet points are dead to me).  So without delay…..

 

Dear Iron Mountain,

 

Why the hell did you tell me you were going to pick up the 13 boxes of archive files that are currently making it impossible to navigate around my office on Friday, only to call me on Monday and tell me that you were running late on Friday and couldn’t get to it?  That information might have been somewhat useful on Friday. Oh…and you’re all fucking liars because you said you were picking up the boxes on Monday, and I just tripped over said boxes and spilled coffee on my white shirt!  Need I remind you that it’s TUESDAY you dumbasses?!?!

 

May you rot in hell,

A very pissed off customer who’s dry-cleaning bill you will be receiving shortly

********************

Dear Blood Pressure,

 

Apparently, lots and lots of stress, coupled  with lots and lots of Benedryl and an over abundant love of sodium and pinot noir piss you off greatly.  I’m working on the whole salt thing and I’ve changed my allergy meds but the stress is out of my hands and as a result so is that whole pinot noir thing, so please don’t cause me to explode or have Cancer or Ebola or something.  Besides…you’ve always been extremely low, so you have some goddamn explaining to do.

 

Please don’t stroke out on me,

The body you currently reside in

*******************

 

Dear Houston Area Nurses,

Please, Please, Please come work for me….even if it’s only a couple of days a week.

 

I really need a bonus,

Your future employer

********************

 

Dear Kroger’s Sushi Guy,

 

I’m sure the highly skilled sushi chef you trained under in East Cameltoe, Minnesota probably told you this, but just in case….WASABI IS SUPPOSED TO BE SPICY!!!  It’s not supposed to be grainy and have no flavor….that neon green shit you gave me was not wasabi, and I’m sure I never want to find out what it actually is, but please remedy this problem immediately as I need something to make your substandard spicy tuna rolls actually have some sort of flavor.

 

You, sir are no Iron Chef,

The one who is sitting at her desk waiting to die from food poisoning

********************

 

Dear Todd,

 

Shut up and stop mocking me about the Kroger’s sushi….I had exactly 10 minutes to run down the street to grab some food before my next appointment.  I did, however, get good sushi this weekend.  Get thee to Uni Sushi in Market Street (The Woodlands)…it was fantastic!

 

Lunch soon, yes?

Khari

********************

 

Dear Bath and Body Works,

 

What the fuck did I ever do to you?  Sure, you’re Fig and Brown Sugar body wash smells lovely (even if it sounds disgusting), but why after using it did I break out into hives?  It’s not like this is the first bottle of your shower gel that I’ve ever bought, so an explanation would be fantastic.  Oh…and could you make the explanation quickly as I have the next 30 minutes of my schedule blocked out so that I can remove my shirt in my office and try to scratch my own back.  You can rot in hell along with the Iron Mountain people for what you’ve done.  Actually… you’re worse that the Iron Mountain people…at least they don’t cause me to remove articles of clothing in my office.  I hate you and I hope your Hive Making Factory is destroyed and you all get Anthrax.

Yours in the holy light of the baby jesus,

The Customer you gave Leprosy 

********************

 

Dear California,

 

Why the hell is every decent hotel you have to offer nowhere remotely close to my sister?  Oh…and if the rumors I’ve heard about spending 2-3 hours in traffic just to get 20 miles down the road, you and I are going to have to have a serious conversation.  Also, so help me if I so much as see a baby shark when I go to the beach then earthquakes are going to be the least of your problems.

 

I am looking forward to meeting you,

The one who is totally unafraid of your governor

********************

 

Dear Sister,

 

I can’t wait to see you!!!

 

Love,
Tootsie

********************

Whew!! We’re up to 60% less Crazy!!

I figured it was about time to start blogging again now that the new meds have kicked in and I don’t feel like crying and/or killing people 23.45 hours of the day.  I’ve also decided that updating this site every day is just too damn much and leads me to write about shit that is completely uninteresting, so while I will be updating with some semblance of frequency, you’ll probably only get 2-3 updates a week.  Unless of course, something amazingly strange happens and then I’ll be forced to tell you immediately.

 

So yeah…the new meds are working great and I’m actually back in the gym and only eating shit that is fit for rabbits and hippies, but I’m feeling so much better.  Although, truth be told, I’d kill my mother for a bag of Doritos right now.  Then again I’d probably consider killing my mother for $40 bucks and a pack of cigarettes, so I’m not sure that’s the best measure of how much I NEED a freaking bag of Doritos.  Can you tell I’m about to end up on the evening news if Mom does not get out of my guest room and get her own damn apartment soon?

 

Wait…can you call it a “Guest Room” when the same person has occupied it for 18 months?  I’m thinking that after 2 goddamn weeks, the term “Guest” no longer applies.

 

In other news, Nick and I are planning a trip out to L.A. in July to see the wonderful and amazing Nikki and her new husband, Jeff…and no, for those of you that are unaware…the Amazing Nikki is not a magician, she’s my fabulous sister.  This will be fantastic if Nick and I can make these arrangements without getting a divorce.  Case in point….this is how the planning has been going, wrapped up in one easy phone conversation for your mocking pleasure:

 

Nick: All the good hotels are either far away from Santa Monica or else they’re too expensive.

 

Me: Well, we don’t have to stay in Santa Monica, that’s just where Nikki lives.  If we’re renting a car we can pretty much stay wherever we want.

 

Nick: Yes, but you’re picky about hotels. 

 

Me: I’m not picky about hotels, I just don’t want to stay in a flea bag, hole in the wall hotel.

 

Nick: There’s a Ramada in Santa Monica that is reasonable.

 

Me: (after a prolonged pause):  A Ramada?  Really?

 

Nick:  Let me guess…that qualifies as a hole in the wall hotel.

 

Me:  What about that hotel in Pretty Woman?  You know…not the one that Julia Roberts was living in and had to look for rent money in the toilet tank…the one Richard Geere was in?

 

Nick: Dead Silence…followed by something that sounded like him banging his head against the wall.

 

Yeah…there is a SLIGHT chance we can make it through the trip planning process without him killing me, but somehow I doubt it.  Oh…and if anyone has any suggestions on things I must do while in L.A. please let me know, just as long as they’re not near the Santa Monica Ramada….cause, a girl’s gotta have some standards, ya know.