Damnit

Things have gotten a bit crazy around here, and by crazy I mean that if they don’t adjust my meds or change them altogether or at the very least approve the medicinal use of marijuana then I’m going to fucking well snap….er…snap more than I already have.

Basically things have gotten bad, weird, whatever the fuck you want to call it again and I’m in a really fucked up place right now.  Logically, I know it’s not permanent and I know it’s manageable, but it just doesn’t feel that way at the moment. So, basically I’m going to be taking a little break from this site for a week, maybe two, just to kind of re-group and see if I can’t get some stuff figured out.  Besides, let’s face it..this site has pretty much become crap lately so hopefully once I get things under control it will start being at least somewhat amusing again. 

Also, if you’re someone who actually knows me in real life, please just bear with me a while.  I’m not ignoring you guys, I’m not uninterested in what’s going on with you, nor am I in any way mad at anyone. I just need a little time to pull my shit together and get back to being my “normal” self, and I will get back to that…it just takes me a while and some medical intervention sometimes.

You might, however, want to consider taking Nick out and buying him many drinks because god knows he needs it for putting up with the crazy.  Fuck, I feel so freaking bad for putting him (and everyone else) through this shit….I honestly have no idea how he puts up with me.

The Homeless Hate Me

I’m not sure why but apparently the homeless people in midtown are really, really pissed at me.  I can’t recall doing anything specific to the homeless population of midtown that would result in their continuing to berate me as they have been this week, but perhaps I’ve got early onset Alzheimer’s or something, because the homeless are fucking furious with me lately.  They are not just annoyed because I ignored them rather then giving them the $0.38, one tic-tac and dryer lint I have in my pocket when they asked me for change.  No, I truly believe that they are pissed enough to form some kind of homeless militia and start plotting jihad against me. 

First there was the crazy guy in front of the Chinese restaurant across the street from my office who jumped in front of my moving vehicle and didn’t so much ask for money as he said “I need you to give me money now“. At first I felt really bad for this guy because if you’re willing to jump into oncoming traffic in the hope that random stranger is going to give you a dollar, then you’re pretty fucking bad off.  The only problem?  I had absolutely NO money on me.  Not even change in the ashtray or the bottom of my purse…NOTHING.  I tried explaining this to the man, but he wasn’t having any of it and he started yelling at me all the while jumping up and down and waving his arms about.  In all honesty, he could have been having some kind of spasm or seizure or something, but I think he was just that pissed.  Some of the choice statements he made are:

“You have this nice car but you don’t have a fucking dollar?” – Um…dude, judging by the shoes and diet coke cans, sweaters, books and other crap that take up the majority of my back seat for all you know I could be living in this car.

“It’s bitches like you that make George Bush happy” – Holy Fucking Jabeezus!!! Never in my life have I been accused of making George Bush happy.  Actually, I think my very existence on this earth pisses George Bush off to no end, although I have no actual proof of this, unlike that letter I have from Sen.Kaye Bailey Hutchinson that told me she gets my point and please stop writing her.

“Why won’t you give me money?  I know you have money!  I’m hungry and I need you to give me money right fucking now!!!” – I’m really not sure how else I could have explained that I didn’t have any money.  I even tried telling him I had no denero in case he only understood Spanish, although that was probably dumb because he was clearly speaking English and he actually looked Vietnamese rather than Hispanic.

The second example I have to present you as further evidence that the homeless hate me would be the lovely man I encountered while I was in front of my office building smoking a cigarette. I saw a man walking down the sidewalk talking to himself… loudly.  Okay, he was screaming at people who were probably taking up residence in his head because they sure as fuck were not on the street with him and he was having an entire (and extremely loud) conversation with them.  This, in and of itself, didn’t alarm me in the least because that is a pretty frequent occurrence in this neighborhood.  As he was walking past me he stopped, looked at me and mumbled something.  Not hearing what it was that he said I asked him to repeat himself at which point he asked me if he could have some water.  I politely told him that I didn’t have any water and which point he got pretty pissed and pointed at the Starbucks cup in my hand and told me that I did, in fact, have some water.

I tried explaining to this guy that I didn’t have any water I only had some coffee.  His response?  “Fine, give me your coffee then.”  What the hell?  I told him that I wasn’t all that inclined to give him my coffee so he decided to compromise by asking me if he could have just a sip of my coffee.  This is about when the germ phobia and OCD kicked into high gear and I was forced to inform this gentleman that there was no way in hell I was giving him a sip of my coffee and that I didn’t even like it when people I know drink from my glass so there was no fucking way I was going to let a random stranger share my coffee.

So he called me a bitch and walked down the street talking to the voices in his head.  Probably about what I bitch I am.

You’re probably thinking to yourself right about now that “Holy Shit!  The homeless really are pissed at her” and you would be right….but I still have one more example to go.

I needed to go to my bank to use the ATM and get some cash out so I could do cool thinks like pay for parking and toll booths.  I ran over to the closest bank (about 6 blocks from my office at the most) and walked into the little ATM vestibule area and what do I find there?  A random homeless man (and apparently every belonging he had on this earth) sitting underneath the ATM machine.  Now, I’ve been to this particular branch of my bank about a eleventy million times before and never have I seen someone just sitting underneath the ATM, so I walked into the bank and asked one of the tellers if they were aware that there was a man just sitting under the ATM.  The teller told me that yes, they did know he was there, but they had asked him to leave several times and he always returns about 10 minutes later so they just basically decided to let him stay there.

Um…okay.

Whatever.  I need money, so I politely ask the man sitting under the ATM if he could maybe scooch over a bit so that I didn’t have to step on him while I was getting my cash out.  He seemed very nice and moved to the other side of the ATM vestibule so that I could use the machine.  On my way out of the bank he asked me if I could spare some money and was none to pleased when I told him that while I really would like to help him I only had a single twenty dollar bill on my person and there was no way in hell that I was giving him $20. 

And then he called me a bitch.

Although, I have to admit that panhandling in front of a ATM is FUCKING BRILLIANT!  None of the “Sorry, I don’t have any cash on me” excuses are going to work then…he just saw you get the damn cash out of the magic money machine.

I think I have provided you with irrefutable proof that he homeless hate me and are plotting my demise.  May the baby jesus and Barack Obama have mercy on my soul.

Busy

Holy Jabeezus H. Motherfucker!  First of all let me just tell you that I am beyond busy today…busy to the point that I’m seriously considering finding some rogue Filipino scientist to clone me because while, I doubt the world is ready for two of me, I also seriously doubt my capability to get everything accomplished that I need to do today.

 So, since I have exactly 5.2 minutes to write this entry, I’m just going to hit some random points of interest…or possibly un-interest…whatever.

*Roy is going to Vegas and is morally obligated to write something for this site for my lazy ass to use as “Guest Blogging” material on a day that I can’t think of anything interesting to write..  Go interview hookers or that tiger…I hear he REALLY likes guys named Roy….for breakfast.

*Someone please explain to my husband why it is unfair for him to get a brand new, e-fucking-normous television just because he wanted one and I have to wait for “a few months” to buy a new chair for the living room because it’s too expensive.  What the fuck?!?! BOO to no new chair.  BOO to completely unreasonable husband.  BOO to extra humungous television.

*For those of you that know my sister Nikki…she called me this weekend to inform me that she and her boyfriend were on their way to get matching tattoos and oh yeah…by the way…we’re also going to Tijuana to get married.  Um…yeah…I am really happy for her since this is making her happy, but yeah…I’m just a tad confused.

Okay….late for a meeting….more (and hopefully more interesting stuff) later.

Why Hello There…

This is going to just be a quick and completely boring update because I feel like crap and really can’t be bothered to come up with anything remotely funny right now.  Hell, at this point I can’t be bothered to get up and get more tissues which is causing me to use the plethora of take out napkins in my desk drawer to blow my nose.  This is a good thing because the texture of said napkins is totally assisting in enhancing that bright red, scaly, constantly runny nose look I was going for.  Add in the giant zit on my chin with my watery, bloodshot eyes and the fact that I have a feeling that my breath smells like a hamster just took a shit in my mouth and you get a general idea of how freaking hot I am right now.

I will, however say one thing.  BITE ME FOOTBALL GODS!!!! Yep…you are back to being my bitches now that the Giants won and order has been restored to the universe.  However, I will still come up with some horrible revenge scheme to get back at them for that whole Bears Superbowl debacle and two years of shafting me with massive Ohio State losses of very pivotal games.  Bastard Football Gods.

Okay, based on the above paragraph I am apparently suffering from a lack of oxygen to the brain…probably because my nose is so stuffed up I can’t actually breath, so I’m going to have to leave you in search of Benedryl and hope that I can come up with something more interesting tomorrow.