Since Michelle Asked….

It’s been a while since I’ve done this and since Michelle requested it (how much do I love that I’m getting blog requests?!?!), I now present you with Random Crap People Entered into Various Search Engines that Brought them to this Blog…

Raoul Said - Well, if it’s the same Raoul from my Indian IT Department, he told you to evacuate the fucking building and stop giving him shit already.  Okay, I’m kind of paraphrasing what Raoul actually said, but I’m pretty sure that this is what he was thinking.

Chinese Puking Fetish – What the fuck?!?!  Okay, we all know from previous “Random Search Engine Craziness” entries that for whatever reason I get an ungodly amount of traffic from people searching out pictures of Chinese people vomiting, but give me a break…this has now reached the official “Fetish” status?  Are you the same people who are into auto-erotic asphyxiation?

Assault Wheelchair – This has to be my favorite search ever.  I’m getting these images in my head of some guy who looks like Stephen Hawkins decked out with a Rambo headband with rocket launchers affixed to his wheelchair being dropped out of an airplane in the middle of Afghanistan or someplace similar to fight insurgents.  This would make a great Naked Gun-esque movie and I demand a percentage of the royalties when someone steals this idea and makes a gazillion dollars from the movie rights.

Chinese Albino Midget – Sweet Screaming Monkeys!!!  I cannot begin to explain how terrified I am by the very thought of Chinese Albino Midgets.  What?  Regular midgets aren’t freaky enough for you?!?!?  I know, I know…I’m probably on some Midget Empowerment groups hit list by now, but I can’t help it…I’m afraid of Midgets.  There, I said it. Hi, I’m Claudia and I’m unreasonably terrified of midgets.  Perhaps there’s a 12 step program out there for me….or maybe since we’re dealing with midgets it’s only a 6 step program…or a stepstool program…or a slight incline program.  Yes, I am well aware of the fact that I’m probably going to hell and when I get there I will find that the whole damn place is run by midgets.

I Wanna Eat Healthy – Yeah…and I want a BMW.  Oh, you mean we’re not just sharing random things we want out of life?  Sorry…my mistake.  Now excuse me while I go eat a Bacon Cheeseburger with Extra Crispy Fries.

Dog Peeing on Pillows – Well, Max the Wonder Puppy has never peed on any of my pillows, however he has totally peed on my head.  As far as advice goes, perhaps you should consider switching shampoos or going to a higher thread count for your pillowcases, maybe this is what your dog trying to voice his objection to.  Then again, it’s entirely possibly that your dog just hates you. 

And, since I’m too lazy to actually list all the different searches that are some variation of the word “Boobs” (72 totally search entries this past week) I’m just going to state for the record that yes, I’m sure there are pictures of my boobs floating around somewhere thanks to my tendency to get drunk and flash people and no, I am not going to post them here.

Oh…and since I’m officially disgusted with Dear Abby, Ann Landers and their ilk, I’m toying with the idea of a weekly advice column here at Whirlwind of Crazy, because I totally rock at giving advice (just not taking it).  So, submit your questions…anything you want…and I’ll start answering them. 

You can ask anything…want to talk about your bizzaro sexual preferences?  Cool.  Want to know what kind of hair products you should use…I can totally help.  Need a killer recipe for a dinner party…got you covered.  Want to talk about Albino Midgets…you’re on your own, you sick, twisted fuck.

Send submissions to claudia_michele @ sbcglobal.net.