Grr.

 have been asked by no less that five people in the past week the one question that’s guaranteed to make me take that little cocktail stick that holds the olives in my martini out and stab you in the neck with it.  The question?  “When are you finally going to have children?!?!”. 

Let me just go ahead and get my response out of the way before I start ranting, foaming at the mouth and/or calling my doctor to up the dosage on the Crazy Pills.  “My Uterus = My Business…STAY THE FUCK OUT OF IT!!!”

I honestly don’t understand this obsession with procreation.  Specifically, I really don’t understand other peoples obsession with my decision to procreate.  What the fuck?!?  I just looove getting these bizarre looks from my in-laws and their friends as they wonder what the hell is wrong with me and why don’t I have a dozen small kids running around.  Well, first of all, if they are going to grow up anything like your snot faced heathen brats, then perhaps I’ll just adopt another dog instead.  At least when the dog pees on the carpet I can lock him in his kennel…apparently the authorities frown on doing that to actual children, although I can think of several children that deserve this punishment far more than Max the Wonder Puppy ever has.

I was told this week, in no uncertain terms, that I was to produce a grandchild this year and that anything other than the production of said grandchild was completely  unacceptable.  When I pointed out the fact that having Lupus tends to make that a little difficult for some people I was informed that this makes no difference and that I “must” have a child this year and that having Lupus was “just an excuse”.

Um….EXCUSE THE FUCK OUT OF ME?!?!

First of all, there’s not a whole hell of a lot I can do about having Lupus.  If there were, don’t you think I would have done it by now?  I don’t continue to deal with this disease because it’s fun, I continue to deal with it because I have no choices except to deal with it.  I’m sorry if this is inconvenient for you and I realize that I shouldn’t expect anything as decent as say…compassion from you, but believe me it’s not exactly something I enjoy.  I spent at least a couple of seconds, every single day of my life wishing that I could wake up the next day and not have Lupus and fuck you for saying that I use it as an “excuse”. 

Secondly, I have a news flash for you people.  Just because I am female does not mean that my life is somehow incomplete because I don’t have kids.  I have a career that I love, great friends, an insane but wonderful family, interests, hobbies, volunteerism…ya know…a life!  Yet somehow, there are certain people who think that my sole purpose in life should be to stay home, make babies and bake stuff.  Yeah…that’s not going to happen and I resent the implication that I’m somehow defective because this is not the only thing I want out of life. 

I’m not saying that I don’t want to have kids.  Sure, I would like to have a child one of these days and truth be told, it’ll probably be sooner rather than later, but I fail to see where this is any of anyone’s business!  Newsflash people:  This DOES NOT INVOLVE YOU!!!  Stay the hell out of it and stop badgering me with you insensitive, irrational, overly inquisitive questions/comments, because I swear to god, I am not above jabbing a pencil into your jugular vein.

Random Update

I could probably write pages and pages and rehash everything that’s gone on in the last couple of days what with the holiday madness and all, but truth be told…I’m exhausted.  I am also extremely bitter about being at work today.  So, rather than an uber-fantastic, well thought out blog…you’re getting a bullet point list of what’s been going on since last weekend.  Please, don’t think I love you all any less, but really…I’m fucking tired….be grateful you’re getting anything at all.

Saturday:

• Braved the mall and actually finished my Christmas shopping.
• Got Nick the BEST. GIFT. EVER!  I am a Christmas shopping goddess
• Manicure/eyebrow wax done by a crazy Vietnamese man who kept insisting I needed Christmas decals glued onto my fingernails.  Um…not so much.
• Went grocery shopping, along with every other damn person in north Houston.  Experienced a kind of rage that I never realized I was even capable of.  Told three people in HEB to “Fuck Directly Off”.  One of these people was a lady old enough to be my grandmother….but she started it by talking smack first, I swear to god this is true.
• Wondered when grocery stores stopped carrying escarole.
• Worried for a second that something was seriously wrong with me when a nice lady asked me if I wanted any champagne (she was some kind of sales person giving out free samples) and I told her “No, thank you”.  What the fuck!?!?!  I have never said no to champagne…especially free champagne.
• Went back for the champagne
• Went to a somewhat torturous party at my in-law’s house.  Drank lots of wine in a vain attempt to drown out the voices in my head that were suggesting I set the house on fire.

Sunday:

• Drove to fucking Bellaire to go to Whole Foods in the search for escarole.  Didn’t find any escarole, but I did see many cute tattooed boys, so that was worth it.  How have I been unaware the Bellaire Whole Foods is a haven for cute tattooed boys?
• Went out to lunch with my mom, which was fun…ate much crawfish ettouffe
• Spent a hundred hours and many dollars at the salon getting my hair cut/colored, but it was worth it because I love the new color.
• Started cleaning my house for the party Nick decided we were having on Christmas Eve.

Monday:

• Went in to work for a couple of hours and actually got out of there much earlier than I had anticipated, which was a nice change.
• Ran a gazillion errands.
• Finished cleaning the house
• Started the annual 24 Hours of a Christmas Story Marathon
• Yelled at Nick a lot, but in my defense, I was grumpy and really freaking tired.
• Hung out with friends and drank copious amounts of wine
• Thanks to Roy and Michelle…we all drank copious amounts of hurricanes.
• Random guy who works with Nick spilled hurricane on my carpet…and Max.  The carpet now looks like a crime scene and Max is still stained slightly pink in places.
• Learned that my friends were not fucking with me and that Michelle’s dad really does read my blog…was slightly mortified by this but then I started drinking tequila and that put an immediate end to any embarrassment.
• Learned that I did not, in fact, get Nick the best present ever.  He hated it…I was crushed and somewhat pissed.  He asked if was supposed to lie and tell me he loved it….um…YES!!!
• Did not actually kill my father in law when he informed me that it was my god given duty to produce grandchildren within the next year.  (Side Note:  Why are people obsessed with my ability to procreate?  Stay the fuck out of my uterus, people.)

Tuesday:

• Woke up and wondered why the room was spinning.
• Realized I was still slightly drunk
• Debated on going back to sleep and decided to wake everyone up and demand presents instead.
• Opened presents….I am so spoiled…..cashmere sweaters, 5.0 surround sound systems, Sephoria gift cards, books, CD’s…yeay!!!
• Spent the remainder of the day alternating between sleeping and watching more of the Christmas Story Marathon.

All in all, it was a pretty good couple of days…although, I’m glad it’s over.  Well, except for the presents part.  I really think I should get presents at least once per week.  Hope you all had a wonderful Christmas!!!

Again? Really?

 What. The. Fuck.

Most everyone can go their entire lives without this happening to them, but I get to experience it TWICE?!?!  Guess what just happened to me?  No, seriously, go on, guess.  I’ll wait.

If you’re guessing that Raoul called and told me that he was conducting a fire drill and I had to evacuate the building immediately, you’re wrong.  Todd called and told me he was conducting a fire drill and I had to evacuate the building immediately. 

Todd is apparently as humorless as Raoul because he really did not appreciate my response of “you’ve got to fucking well be kidding me”.  Honestly, was there any other response that would have been appropriate here?  I think not.  I am, however, beginning to think that they IT department reads my blog and shows their displeasure by crashing my server, getting me electrocuted and calling me to “evacuate the building immediately”. 

I have yet to get an answer as to why the IT department is responsible for fire drills because that just seems odd to me.  Then again so does Fire Drill  by Phone, but what the hell do I know?

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I’m suffering from a serious lack of anything decent to read.  It seems like every time I go into a book store everything I find there is crap, chick-lit, self-improvement bullshit, i love jesus books or something that either has been or should be on the Oprah book club list.  None of these things appeal to me, so I’m hoping one of you wonderful people in internet land have some suggestions for me, because I get very, very grumpy when I don’t have anything to read.

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Is it just me or has my life become incredibly boreing lately?  If the IT department didn’t do something totally batshit crazy every now and again I’d have nothing to blog about.  Something must be done about this because not only has my blog gone to shit, I’m completely bored with my own presence.  I’m not a boring person, it just seems like I’m in a bit of a slump lately.  I’m not sure what I’m going to do to remedy this, but I have to think of something because I kind of suck lately.

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DAMN YOU RED LIGHT CAMERAS!!!  Not only did you give me a $75 ticket, you’ve managed to record for prosperity exactly how filthy my car is .  I hate you and I hope that a drunken idiot in an F150 totally plows into you this weekend.  Note to any drunken idiots in F150’s – the camera in question is at the Travis/Webster intersection of downtown Houston.  Now go!!! 

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I have an extremely unhealthy obsession.  I am completely addicted to reality television shows about really, really fat people.  We’re talking the ones who are so fat they can’t walk anymore and have to live in whatever the fat people’s equilivant of the old folks home is.  It’s even better if I’m sitting on the couch while eating ice cream whilst watching the fatties.  This is so wrong on so many levels, I can’t even begin to explain it, nor am I completely sure why I’m obsessed with watching fat people on television.  The only way I can kind of explain it is to liken it to a car crash.  You don’t want to watch…you’re completely repulsed by the whole thing….but you just. can’t. stop. looking.

Apparently Google Knows what I Need….

I saw on another blog where someone was suffering from writers block and rather than coming up with anything new and interesting to write about decided to Google the her name with the word “needs” after it to see what would come back.  Oddly enough, this provided a fairly interesting entry and not wanting to be the last person in the blogersphere to do this (not to mention that nothing interesting has happened to me lately to provide me with blogging material) I decided to follow suit.

So…here’s what happens when you enter the words “Claudia Needs:” into Google.

• Claudia Needs Medication – I swear to god that this was the FIRST FUCKING THING TO COME UP.  Well no shit…bonus points to Google for pointing out the obvious.  Have you read my entry about having to go on The Crazy Pills?  If not you might want to do so because nothing says “funny” like a mild nervous breakdown.

• Claudia Needs the information ASAP – Ahhh…apparently Google has been on conference calls with me.

• Claudia Needs Coffee - Once again, Google decides to state the obvious.  What would be interesting is if it said that I didn’t need coffee, because honestly….that has never happened.  I always need coffee.

• Claudia Needs a loan of $825 – what an oddly specific amount, but hell….if Google says that you people need to fork over $825 to me, then so be it.  Who are we to question Google?

• Claudia Needs to check her baggage – as anyone who has ever seen me pack for a trip can tell you, there is no way the airlines are letting me bring my 1700 pounds of luggage as carry on.  Apparently, there are people out there who can go away for three days and not bring 8 pairs of shoes, but I am not one of them.

• Claudia Needs to come in for treatment – oddly enough, Google doesn’t specify what the hell I need treatment for.  OCD?  Anxiety Disorders?  Compulsive shoe shopping?  General bat-shit craziness?  iTunes Addiction?

• Claudia Needs no pity – True.  Unless of course by your pitying me it makes you more inclined to buy me presents or at least take me out and get me drunk…in which case, pity me all you want.

• Claudia Needs to make some changes in her life – gee…thanks for the heads up, Google….I never would have figured that out on my own.  I’ll just add this into the “No shit” category.

I was extremely disappointed in the fact that Google didn’t mention that I need something shiny from Tiffany’s, a vacation, a new car, time to myself, for my house to magically clean itself and to get my butt to the gym, because those are all things I really, really need.

Random Randomness

Since I haven’t had enough coffee to actually come up with a cohesive update and I’m suffering from a horrible case of holiday ennui, the best you people are going to get out of me is a bullet list of Random Observations.  However, in my defense, it’s been a while since I’ve done one of these, so here goes:

 

• In keeping with the whole holiday ennui thing, I need to state for the record that “Fairytale of New York“ by The Pogues has to be the best Christmas song of all time.  If you’ve never heard it…get thee to iTunes…immediately because any Christmas song that contains the words “Scumbag”, “Maggot”, and “Dirty old Whore” is simply brilliant.  Plus, it totally has that Irish pup feel to it that demands you drink Guinness while you’re listening to it, and anything that demands the consumption of Guinness is always fantastic.  Actually, while you’re at iTunes, you should just go ahead and download everything The Pogues have ever done.  You’ll thank me for this.

• From the files of Things that Can only Happen to Me:  We went to a reggae concert where I met a very strange Pakistani man who claimed his name was Frank (although, I seriously doubt this).  Frank decided to keep me amused between sets by singing “The Superbowl Shuffle” in his extremely heavy Pakistani accent.  I am still unsure why Frank decided to do this, but I did appreciate his efforts to keep me entertained.

 

• Leonard Cohen is going to be inducted into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame….so is Madonna, but who cares about that.  The thing is, I’m not sure Leonard Cohen qualifies for this.  Now if there’s a someone who by the very virtue of listening to his recordings can manage to make you depressed enough to jump off a bridge Hall of Fame…Leonard definitely qualifies.  Not rag on Leonard Cohen or anything…I actually really do like his music….when I’m off my meds.

 

• Scientists have apparently found the energy source for the Northern Lights phenomenon.  All this time it’s been energy particles from the sun or some such shit and not the vast powers of the Chupacabra as I had originally thought.   That sucks seeing as how I’m a HUGE fan of the Chupacabra and want to leave live chickens in my backyard for him to feast on.  I would totally do this, but Nick swears that there’s some kind of neighborhood ordinance against keeping farm animals in your backyard.

 

• If one more fucking person attempts to make small talk with me by starting the conversation off with either “So, are you ready for the holidays yet? or “Have you finished your Christmas shopping yet? I am going to scream!  First of all, it makes absolutely no difference whatsoever if I’m ready for the freaking Holidays or not…they’re coming regardless of my preparedness.  It’s not like I can stand in my driveway on the 23rd screaming “NO!  Not yet, Christmas…I’m not ready!!!  You can’t come until the 28th this year!”  Secondly, why the hell do you care if I’ve gotten my Christmas shopping done yet…if your one of the multitudes of idiots asking me this question there’s a good goddamn chance that I’m not buying you shit, so shut the hell up.

Yeah, I know…but believe me when I tell you that you’re fortunate that you even got this much by way of an update.  Apparently I’m going to need to drink MUCH more wine and fall into the Christmas tree or something just to have something interesting to write about. 

 

Happy Birthday!!

Today is my sister Nikki’s birthday.  She is amazing, fantabulous, and just generally fucking awesome and I am so freaking proud of her it’s unreal.  You should all worship her and send her presents…but short of that you should totally take advantage of this moment to publicly wish her a happy birthday, because (and trust me when I tell you this) you only wish you had someone this fantastic in your life.

 

Happy Birthday little sister….love you much!

Wanna Know Why it’s Impossible to Eat Healthy Food at my House?

Because a conversation between myself and my husband over what we’re going to have for dinner tonight went like this:

 Me: What do you want me to make for dinner tonight? 

Nick:  I don’t know. 

Me:  Well I need some suggestions here because I am basically brain dead at the moment and I need to know what to cook so that I can go grocery shopping on my way home. 

Nick:  How about eggs and ham and toast with mayo? 

Me:  Are you kidding? 

Nick: No, what’s wrong with that? 

Me:  Well for starters, I don’t eat eggs.  Secondly, I think that menu has enough fat and cholesterol to kill a horse and Third…that’s disgusting…pick something else. 

Nick:  Ham and cheese pie? 

Me:  Be serious….you know I’m not going to make that.  I hate ham and cheese pie.  Besides, you need to stop eating crap all the time and eat something that’s actually healthy for you. 

Nick:  Fine.  Make biscuits and sausage gravy and hashbrowns. 

Me:  Are you fucking kidding me?  How is that healthy?  I said to pick something healthy!!  Besides, you know I hate all breakfast related foods. 

Nick:  Frito pie? 

At this point I began banging my head on my keyboard and trying to figure out on which planet Frito pie is considered health food.