I Should not be Permitted to Speak

I think it’s a well established fact that the filter between the brains and mouths of normal people is pretty much non-existent in me.  Honestly…I don’t think people are even all that shocked by the random and totally inappropriate things that come out of my mouth anymore; it’s something everyone has pretty much come to expect. 

That being said, I think that cutting all my hair off has had somehow intensified my tendency to just sort of spew forth with the random and, quite often, vulgar comments.  Apparently, my brain has been subsiding on nothing more than caffeine, nicotine and alcohol up until this point and now that it’s getting oxygen…well…it has sort of run amok.   

Case in point: 

• I told our biggest client that she needed to have a conference with all of the voices in her head and make a damn decision once and for all because it’s getting confusing to figure out which of her personalities I’m speaking to at any given moment.
• When the cashier at Starbucks pointed out the fact that the pen I had in my pocket had leaked black ink all over my pants, I (for some COMPLETELY UNKNOWN reason) informed him that it wasn’t ink and that I had actually peed myself and that I should probably stop eating squid ink pasta.
• My response when a co-worker asked me if I was going to be attending the budgeting meeting?  ”I’d rather be anally violated by a mountain lion, but since there aren’t any mountain lions in the office, I guess I’ll make an appearance”.
• When the guy in the office next to me said “Hey…did you cut your hair?” rather than just saying yes, I had to say “Nope, the bottom half of it just fell right the fuck off from stress”.

 Actually, there’s a lot more…including my telling someone that if I had the option of having children like the two in line in front of us (who were snot-covered and screaming) and having my ovaries shrivel up and fall off I was totally going with Option B.   

Someone please stop me before I speak anymore.