Attack of the Giant Ass

Wanna know what you get when you combine a broken toe, far too many birthday drinks, the Easter Food Orgy and no trip to the gym in over a week?  You get my rapidly expanding ass, and that is not good.

I’m obsessive.  Yeah, I know…big shocker to anyone who knows me in real life.  It took approximately two weeks for me to become completely obsessed with going to they gym.  I obsessed over time on the treadmill or StairMaster, how many reps I was doing, how many crunches I could do before I passed out.  I obsessed over every morsel of food I put in my mouth.  If it was low-fat, low-calorie and generally tasted like shit, then that’s what I ate.

 The results?  Out-fucking-standing.  The obsession was totally paying off.  That is, until birthday ennui struck.

You see…I decided to give myself a little break.  I decided not to really worry about this stuff for a couple of days and just enjoy my birthday.  The problem?  I have a new obsession and it’s not going to the gym.  My new obsession is margaritas, Mexican food and naps…lots and lots of naps.  I need to get my shit together and get my ass back in the gym NOW.  Before my giant ass attacks some innocent bystander.

To that end, I am granting all you lovely people in Internet land permission to totally give me massive amounts of crap if I don’t follow through with this.  Seriously…you can call me out on this one and I won’t even slap you.  I need someone to hold my giant ass accountable and get back on track.

Only not today because I need a nap….and a margarita….and some Mexican food…but tomorrow….I promise.

Broken Toe & Birthday Madness

Yeah, I know…I’ve had issues with updating lately.  It’s not that I didn’t want to update, it’s just that my life had been incredibly boring and completely filled with ennui and angst over the whole turning 32 thing.

The birthday passed without incident.  Which, given my past record of really crappy birthdays is actually kind of amazing.  In all honesty, it was a pretty great birthday, as I will now illustrate to you in my favorite format ever….bullet points.

• Took my mother to a gay bar
• Ate the pituitary gland of some kind of animal in addition to a bunch of funky Moroccan food (note to self: NEVER eat Moroccan food ever again.  Even if you’re starving to death).
• In the gay bar, in the presence of the above referenced mother told an extremely short boy “You must be this tall to ride” while pointing to my own head in response to his oh so delicately phrased question….the question?  “So…do you wanna fuck?”
• Drank black vodka – no shit…this stuff was black.  Like ink.
• Was presented with a new pink Ipod. 
• Became completely obsessed with new pink Ipod, refusing to do anything other than upload CD’s for about seven straight hours.
• Forked over the equivalent of the national deficit to ITunes.
• Got drunk and broke my toe
• Forgot I had broken my toe and fell flat on my face when I got out of bed the next morning.
• Managed to collectively drink more alcohol in one weekend than I had in the entire previous year.

All in all, not a bad birthday, no?