Benevolent Dictator

Monday, my boss informed me that she was going to be taking today and Friday as vacation days.  Now, while this does not seem like a huge deal, due to some corporate restructuring bullshit, do you know what means?  I am officially in charge of the HR department.  Terrifying, no?

In light of my new authority I am going to put into place a few new policies.  These policies must be strictly adhered to and failure to comply will be severely punished.  What are these new policies?  I’m so glad you asked:

1. Appropriate work attire shall now defined as “pyjamas or items of clothing you would wear to the gym“.  Suits, skirts, and so called professional attire are strictly prohibited.  Bonus points to all employees who show up wearing Ohio State t-shirts with stains on them.

2. Slapping the receptionist is not only allowed, it is encouraged.  Especially if she pages you over the intercom and fucks up your name even though you’ve corrected her pronunciation approximately two billion times.

3. Use of the term “thinking outside the box” will result in your immedient dismissal.

4. Changing the time of an already scheduled meeting four times in the past half hour in conjunction with the sending of five Outlook Meeting Requests will result in your immediate beheading.

5. In an effort to promot an harmouious working environment, the water in the water coolers have been replaced with vodka.  Xanax is available upon request to HR.

6. Memo to the guy in the office next to mine: Failure to stop talking so loud that I know everything I never wanted to know about your personal life is going to result in you immediate bitch slapping.

7. Failure to complete tasks assigned to you by me and thereby forcing me to continuously get up and ask for a status update so that I can complete a report and finish a presentation will result in your being tied to a stake in the parking lot and set on fire. 

In my new roll, I promise to try and be a benevolent dictator, but I should warn you…fucking with the HR chick who has PMS is not advisable.

That is all.  More later.