Assault on the Stephen Hawkins Kid

Sorry about the lack of updates, but my life has just been crazy busy lately.  Add to that a big helping of drama from the assholes who run Nick’s company and you get my complete lack of will to do anything other than drink copious amounts of vodka.   

Since I’m completely incapable of coming up with any kind of a segue at 7:30 in the morning when I’ve only had one cup of coffee, I’m just going to dive right in with this.  Once, when I was about six or so I tried to assault a severely handicapped child in a motorized wheelchair.  The fact that he was handicapped had nothing to do with it…it was his wheelchair that drove me right over the edge. 

Apparently (and I say apparently because I have absolutely no memory of doing this) my mother and grandmother had taken my sister and I out shopping.  Now, as any of you who have children can attest, taking a six year old and a four year old to a mall is not the easiest of tasks.  It’s probably even more difficult when the kids in question are demon hell spawn like my sister and me.   

Exhausted after a full day of chasing after us, my mom and grandmother decided to stop and grab something to drink and sit down for a few minutes before continuing their shopping.  That’s when “the incident” happened.  Seated a few tables away from us was a woman and her handicapped child.  The child was in one of those motorized wheelchairs and when I say he was severely handicapped, I mean that this poor kid didn’t even have the ability to speak, he just kind of grunted and made these really twitchy head movements. 

Now, I had seen this kid using some kind of device that looked like a straw to control the wheelchair and for whatever reason, I thought that this looked like the most fun thing in the world and I wanted to try it.  So, I did what any demon hell spawn child would do…I walked over to him and told him that “It’s my turn to play with the toy”. 

Needless to say, this kid did not immediately get up out of the wheelchair and let me play with it, much to my shock.  I was incredulous.  How could he not share such a cool toy?  Did he have no manners?  Did his mother not teach him that sharing was just what you had to do?  Did he not watch the “Sharing is Caring” episode of Sesame Street?

To my enraged six year old mind, this kid had to be taught a lesson about sharing and I was just the person to do it. After asking him one last time if I could play with his toy and getting a response that sounded something like “Greeewakka” I grabbed this kid by the shirt and tried to forcibly remove him from his wheelchair in order to take my rightful turn on the thing.  This pissed off the handicapped kid beyond belief and he started screaming and grunting and sounding like an irate combination of Stephen Hawkings and a guy with Tourette’s syndrome.  Do I even need to mention the fact that this kid’s mother was none to happy about the situation either? 

I can’t even imagine what was going through my mom’s head when she turned around and saw her daughter trying to strangle a handicapped kid with the hood of his sweatshirt in order to steal his wheelchair.  I do remember my grandmother simultaneously threatening to sell me to the gypsies (always a big threat in the Croatian grandmother community), praying to the Virgin Mary to do something about her demon hell spawn granddaughter and trying to smack the crap out of me with her handbag.  

 Apparently, once the commotion died down and my mother had apologized profusely for my behavior, I was told to apologize to this kid.  My response?  Rather than any sort of an apology, I told the kid that he was mean and needed to learn how to share his toys. 

So, it’ may be 26 years too late, but I’m sorry little Stephen Hawkins kid.  I truly apologize for trying to strangle you with you own hoodie and drag you out of your motorized wheelchair. 

But, in my defense…it was a very cool wheelchair….so shiney…and it looked like I could totally outrun my grandmother in that thing.

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