Todd & Khari Bored = NOT GOOD

 This is what happens when Todd and I get bored. 

 I do believe we have completely destroyed any chance of “Project Date Todd” ever working due to the below IM conversation.

Todd: that would be cool if the midgets were puking while screweing each other
Me: NOT EVEN!
Todd: with a horse watching
Me: Eeeewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww
Todd: lmfao
Todd: I am sure I can find you video of something similar
Todd:I may have to splice videos but I am sure I could find it
Me: I now need vodka to deal with the mental trauma.
Todd: OOOOOHHHHHHHHHH
Todd: Midgets drinking vodka while screweing
Todd:I’m goign to hell aren’t I?
Me: Sweet Screaming Monkeys!
Me: yes, you’re totally going to hell.
Todd: at least the midgets aren’t drinking and screweing on your bed
Todd:  I mean the next hotel you go to…possible it could have happened there…you would never even know.
Me: Oh Dear God!I think I’m scarred for life.
Todd: you are not going to be able to stay at a hotel again are you?
Me: do they let midgets in the Ritz?
Me:Or the Intercontinental?
Todd: as long as their bank account is larger than they are
Todd: I mean, Ver Troyer could afford to
Todd:*Vern
Me: OMG…I think that guy is like some kind of Uber Midget or something.
Me: He’s the Midget Overlord.
Todd: imagine if he waddled for president
Me: no.
Me:it’s too horrible to even joke about.
Me:like the apocolypse only worse.
Me: I totally don’t know how to spell apocolypse.
Todd: apoco-midget now….
Todd: the next great Kubrik film from the grave
Me:Oh my god….I just spewed Diet Coke when I read that.
Todd: It deals with the issues of a midget struggling in the war torn country of iraq and his transition to post war in a sunni arab nation
Todd: You’ve put entirely too much thought into this.
Me:I’m beginning to worry about you.
Todd: but because he is viewed as inferior by the mind numbig extremists, he eventually goes postal
Me: he IS inferior, so I’m not sure what he’s so damn upset about.
Todd: shooting everybody in the knee caps…he can’t shoot higher because the weight of the gun throws his short stature off balance and he shoots into the sky
Me: fucking hell.
Todd: after going on a rampage and hacking everybody off at the knees in the town he feels better
Me:I can’t think of anything else to say.
Me:Just fucking Hell.
Todd: years go by, the entire town is now in wheel chairs or gets around on skateboards…they are all amputees
Me: What the hell happened to you last night? 
Todd: a visitor comes to town, points out the irony of it all and calls the midget a psycho.
Me:  Is this a sudden chemical imbalance?
Todd:  he is still free because the police are scared to apprehend him
Me:well sure…who wants to deal with psycho midget?
Todd:  so the midget gins him down and then goes on a new shooting spree shooting everyone in the torso and head..he can do that now they are all his height without their legs
Me:  I would totally post this on my blog, but I don’t want to give midgets any ideas.
Me: or whoever the hell is reading my blog that has a midget fettish.
Todd:the movie comes to a close when he realizes that extremists in islam can go over the edge and realizes that the westerners with their “Christianity” may be on to something
Todd: he is guilt ridden
Todd: he prays to christ to be accepted
Todd:ad then shoots himself in the head
Todd: we should sooooo storyboard this and record it and post it on youtube
Me: where the fuck are we going to find a midget?
Me:  and how am I going to get through shooting this film without kicking he midget?
Todd:  don’t they have a midgets r us?
Todd: or a midget rental place?
Me: beats the shit out of me….but a guy I work with swears that there is a rentamidget.com or something like that out there.
Me: I’ve been too afraid to look.
Todd:*note: no midgets were actually harmed in the course of this conversation
Me: Only because no midgets were present.
Todd: we could have a sequel
Todd: the Lilliputians Strike Back
Me: No…We CANNOT have a sequal.
Me: Like the first film won’t be horrific enough.
Todd:this time an entire island of midgets that had been expelled from various countries form an aggressive military
Me:Guess my plan to round up all the midgets in the world and put them on an island is now officially shot to shit.
Todd:their goal, conquer and destroy all governments who isolated them and run the country in a midget totalitarian regime
Me:They’d totally come after me first.
Todd: coming to a theater near you in the Summer of 2017
Me: because I’m going to need at least 8 years of therapy before I can film this.

Even More Random Search Engine Craziness

So yeah.  Not so much with the updates lately. 

I would love to give you an interesting explanation for not updating, but in all honesty the reason that I havn’t updated lately is because my life has  been boring as all hell.  Really, there just hasn’t been a single interesting thing going on.  My life pretty much consists of going to work, going to the gym, playing with Max and sleeping.  On occasion, I see Nick, but given that he works for Satan himself, that’s not very often.

So, since my life is completely pathetic and uninteresting lately and yet in spite of this I feel it necessary to at least do some kind of any update…. I bring you more random search engine craziness.

Fun Nun Bobble Heads - As opposed to those Nun Bobble Heads that arn’t any fun at all.

Miniature Horse Fuck- What the hell kind of deviant are you that you are searching out information/pictures/video of miniature horses fucking?  If this even remotely involves your plan to develop the midget equivalent of the Tijuana Donkey Show you are totally going to burst into flames.

K Fed Search Engine- What exactly are you looking for here?  A search engine devoted solely to information about Kevin Federline?  A search engine developed by Kevin Federline?  I’m thinking you’re probably better off if it’s the first option because there is no way in hell that dude managed to develop some Google-esque search engine.  He can’t even engineer a way to keep his fucking pants on, so I’m thinking software development is pretty much out of the question.

Target Disgruntled Employee – What is it that you want to target them for?

Throw Up Petechiae - Please Pelase Pelase tell me that there is actually someone else out there that threw up so damn much they gave themselves two black eyes.

Side Note: Yes, Roy…I know I owe you pictures of this.  I’ll upload them over the weekend, I promise…..and then you can all marvel in disgust at just how fucking bad I looked.

Freaky Midget Porn- Go.  Go away NOW.  Get the hell of my website and never, ever return, you fucking wackjob.  And if you’re the same person who also entered in “miniature horse fuck” you are probably the single most deviant person in history.

Chinese Puking- Okay, that’s it!  I give up!  Apparently there is an entire fetish devoted to Chines Puking because it’s the single most popular search engine term that brings people to this site.  I cannot even begin to understand this and I’m afraid to try.

I know this entry is a total bullshit way to get around actually coming up with something creative and interesting to write about, but I promise to make it up to you.

Even if I have to sit myself down, drink two bottles of Pinot Noir and upload embarrassing pictures of myself.

Piss Off – I’m in a Bad Mood

I’m not in a bad mood.  No seriously, I’m really not.  I’m in a completely wretched mood.  Oddly enough, I’m not entirely sure why I’m in such a bad fucking mood.  It’s not one specific thing that’s set me off, I have a feeling it’s a combination of the following:

1. I pulled a muscle in my back on Sunday and it hurts like hell.  I also have a training session with Fucking Marlon today, so that should be interesting.  I wonder how long of my being a whiney little bitch he’s going to be able to take before he shoves me off the Stairmaster.

2. I’ve spent just about all damn day filing.  Yes, it totally needed to be done, however there are very few things in the world that I hate more than filing.

3. I got my eyebrows waxed on Sunday and the crazy Korean lady fucked it up.  Now I have this tiny scabby looking thing directly under the arch of my eyebrow, which is completely fucked up when you consider all the trauma that my eye area has been through lately what with the black eyes and all.

4. I’m turning 32 in 12 days.  This does not make me happy at all.  For some reason, I never had a problem with turning 30, but I’m having a  huge motherfucking problem with turning 32.  I am pissed off at the whole idea and don’t want to do it.  I guess it could be worse and I could look like I’m 32.  Since I don’t I guess I will start lying and telling people I’m 27.

5. If I don’t fill the accounting position that we have open soon I’m going to go insane.   Where the fuck are all the accountants?  Why won’t they send me their resumes?

6. Project Date Todd is failing miserably.  What the fuck is wrong with you people?  Todd fucking rocks and you know you want to date him.  Now email me so I can set this up.

7. I need to buy a new bra and I reallyneed to buy new underwear because I’m fucking shrinking and none of the seventeen pounds of shit in my drawers fit.  The problem?  I hate shopping for underwear and even if I didn’t I’m have no goddamn money.

8. By the same token all of my damn pants are so big I look like a refugee from Darfur, but again….no money to buy pants that fit.

9. Did I mention the fact that I’m turning thritytwomotherfuckingyearsold?

Benevolent Dictator

Monday, my boss informed me that she was going to be taking today and Friday as vacation days.  Now, while this does not seem like a huge deal, due to some corporate restructuring bullshit, do you know what means?  I am officially in charge of the HR department.  Terrifying, no?

In light of my new authority I am going to put into place a few new policies.  These policies must be strictly adhered to and failure to comply will be severely punished.  What are these new policies?  I’m so glad you asked:

1. Appropriate work attire shall now defined as “pyjamas or items of clothing you would wear to the gym“.  Suits, skirts, and so called professional attire are strictly prohibited.  Bonus points to all employees who show up wearing Ohio State t-shirts with stains on them.

2. Slapping the receptionist is not only allowed, it is encouraged.  Especially if she pages you over the intercom and fucks up your name even though you’ve corrected her pronunciation approximately two billion times.

3. Use of the term “thinking outside the box” will result in your immedient dismissal.

4. Changing the time of an already scheduled meeting four times in the past half hour in conjunction with the sending of five Outlook Meeting Requests will result in your immediate beheading.

5. In an effort to promot an harmouious working environment, the water in the water coolers have been replaced with vodka.  Xanax is available upon request to HR.

6. Memo to the guy in the office next to mine: Failure to stop talking so loud that I know everything I never wanted to know about your personal life is going to result in you immediate bitch slapping.

7. Failure to complete tasks assigned to you by me and thereby forcing me to continuously get up and ask for a status update so that I can complete a report and finish a presentation will result in your being tied to a stake in the parking lot and set on fire. 

In my new roll, I promise to try and be a benevolent dictator, but I should warn you…fucking with the HR chick who has PMS is not advisable.

That is all.  More later.

Two Black Eyes – One Bad Attitude

I have two giant black eyes.  They may, in fact, be the worst black eyes in the history of black eyes.  I spent all day yesterday trying to convince my coworkers that I had not been in a horrible car accident over the weekend.

The thing is…I wish I hadbeen in a car accident, because this is a far more believable explanation than what actually happened.

Sunday, I was sitting out on my back porch w/ my mom just hanging out and talking and having a glass of wine.  Notice I said a glass of wine and not a bottle of wine.  Now, maybe I had a touch of food poisoning or something, but all of the sudden I had the overwhelming urge to throw up.

I ran into the bathroom and I threw up so damn much that I think I saw the baby food carrots that my grandmother fed me when I was a year old.  So….I finish puking up everything I have ever eaten in my entire 31 years on this earth and go back into the living room.  My mom took one look at me, pointed at my face and screamed.

I ran back into the bathroom, took a look in the mirror and also screamed.  I turned around, looked at Max the wonder puppy who had followed me into the bathroom and he barked and ran away.

The reason for all the screaming and barking and running away?  The skin around my eyes had turned brightfucking fuchsia and the eyes themselves were rapidly swelling shut.  Do I even need to point out the fact that this alarmed me greatly?

So, off to the Emergency Room I go.  I walk in and the lady who’s at the intake desk takes one look at me and goes “Holy God!  What happened to you honey?”  I don’t even get the chance to answer here before she’s on the phone with someone telling them that I need to be seen right away and no, I can’t have a seat in the waiting room. 

The triage nurse comes out, takes one look at me and says “Oh my goodness, come with me”.  Which was actually very nice, because what I was expecting was “Crap…you look bad.  Have a seat in the waiting room and someone will be with you in about three hours”.

So, I go back and answer the most insane barrage of questions imaginable:

ER Lady:  “Do you have any allergies”?

Me: Yes, I’m allergic to everything.

ER Lady: What do you mean you’re allergic to everything.  You can’t possibly be allergic to everything.

Me: I’m allergic to trees, grass, cats, dogs, pollen, mold, pine, milk, dust, ragweed, and basically anything else found in nature. 

ER Lady: Are you allergic to shellfish?

Me: No

ER Lady: Are you sure you’re not allergic to shellfish?  Because that sure looks like a shellfish allergy.

Me:I’m sure.  Besides, I havn’t eaten any shellfish and I don’t recall rubbing shrimp all over my eyes, so I seriously doubt it’s a shellfish allergy.

The ER Lady walks out in a huff because apparently she doesn’t appreciate my smartass humour. 

About ten minutes later the doctor walks in and says (and I swear these are his exact words) “Holy Shit!”  He then proceeds to ask me if anyone’s been hitting me.  I explain to him that no, nobody has hit me as is evident by the fact that there was not someone on a stretcher being dragged in  behind me, nor were there any police in the room asking me questions about why I beat someone half to death with a baseball bat.

The doctor then asks me if I’d vomited recently.  I told him that I had and he explained that what had happened was that I had puked so hard that I blew out all the capillaries around my eyes, essentially giving myself two black eyes.

He explained that it was a condition called petechiae.  I asked him “Isn’t that how medical examiners can tell if someone has been strangled to death?” His response “Yes, but I don’t even want to know how you know this”.

Guess all those crime scene shows I watch finally paid off for something other than creeping Nick the hell out.

So basically, there’s not a damn thing that can be done and I just have to wait for the bruising to go down.  The doctor did suggest getting some bright red blush and just smearing it all over my face so that my whole face was magenta rather than just my eyes.

Yes, Nick took pictures of this.  Yes, I will post them when I get home.

But I’m warning you now…It’s bad….REALLY BAD.

As is my attitude over the whole thing.

However, you know you look really fucking awful when you walk into a full emergency room and from the time you walk in to the time you leave, you’ve only been there a little over an hour.  Yes, they were so alarmed by my appearance, I actually took precedence over people who were bleeding profusely and a small kid with a broken elbow.   Not that I was complaining, because I totally should have taken priority over those people.

More Random Search Engine Craziness

Yep…it’s that time again.  Time to question/mock/be confused and a little terrified by the random search engine terms that bring people to this site.

Nikki Matievic - Either you’re stalking my sister or else you are, in fact, my sister and you’re Googleing yourself.  Either way….STOP IT.

Crazy Fire Restaurant – I’m sincerely hoping that this is not some sort of ill conceived theme restaurant like Planet Hollywood.  “Come to the Crazy Fire Restaurant…or we’ll Smoke your Ass”.

Most Random Sentence Ever- The Chupacabra is wearing orange leiderhosen.  How’s that for random?

Chinese Kid Pee- Please for the love of all that is holy tell me that this is not some kind of ancient Chinese remedy for impotence or something, because….eww.  Of course, if it is not an ancient Chinese remedy for impotence, I am beyond terrified to find out why the hell someone was searching out Chinese Kid Pee on the internet.

Chicken less Whirlwind – Well sure…because those Chicken Filled Whirlwinds are just dangerous, what with all the flying chickens and all.

Crazy Girlfriend Application- Are you applying for Project Date Todd?  He’s had enough with the crazies….the whole point of this is that he needs someone NORMAL.  Of course, if you’re completely batshit crazy, I may fix you up with him anyway just to amuse myself.

How to Steal a Wheelchair- Dude.  No…just NO.  You will totally go to hell for this.  The only reason I tried to steal that little Stephen Hawkins kid’s wheelchair is because I was SIX and a little unclear on the concept.  I thought it was some kind of a toy.  If you’re old enough to Google how to steal a wheelchair, you’re old enough to know that stealing a wheelchair is BAD.

My Dog Lifted his Leg on Me- Ummm…I’m sorry?

Puking Chinese- Considering this is the THIRD time someone has found this site by using this search criteria, I’m beginning to get a bit concerned.  Are there honestly people out there with some kind of fetish for puking Chinese people?  And here I thought people who had foot fetishes were a little odd, but you people with the fetish for Chinese puke take the award for creepy.

Larry the cable guy petsmart - I don’t even know what to say about this?  Do I honestly need some kind of disclaimer that this is not some kind of Larry the Cable Guy fansite?  This may in fact, be the FURTHEST THING EVER from a Larry the Cable Guy fansite.  I’m not even sure that dude is speaking English because I honestly cannot understand one word that comes out of his mouth. 

Why You Should Not Smoke – This week’s winner for the most common search term…no less than 7 of them.  If you honestly want to know why smoking is bad for you (and how can you not know this)….the answer is CANCER.  If you want to know how to stop smoking…I can’t help you because I need to go outside to smoke a cigarette.

Anal Sex Tips – Dude.  Go away.  Now.  There are no tips here.

Now…as an experiement to see if we can up the number of bizzare search engine terms… I bring you what is sure to provide me with much amusement next week:

Cocksucker.  Cocksucker.  Cocksucker.

Google that, perverts. 

Project Date Todd

I was so busy ranting about the filth in my house that I almost forgot to remind you….

Applications for Project Date Todd are still being accepted.  You really should get your entries in soon, because after having mentioned Project Date Todd during an interveiw for a national publication…Todd’s totally going to be unavailable soon.

 Oh…and I’m not sure if this will entice or repell people…but I totally have pictures of him wearing the remains of an empty six pack of Guiness on his head.  You’re welcome to email me for proof if this will in anyway sway your decision.

Fed the F–k Up!

Okay.  That’s It.  I am OFFICIALLY FED THE FUCK UP!!!  And since bitching at the people who happen to live in my house OTHER than me (i.e. Nick and the mother) apparently does no fucking good whatsoever, you lucky people get to feel my white, hot, seething rage.

Isn’t this going to be fun?

Here’s the thing.  Apparently, I possess superpowers.  I have the amazing ability to walk into any given room in my house, look around, notice things that need to be cleaned and then (and here’s where the superpowers come in)…I ACTUALLY CLEAN THEM.

The other two people who live in my house do not possess these abilities.  The reasons I suspect this?

Neither one of them know that the dishwasher as an “on” button that actually facilitates the cleaning of the dirty dishes.  They think the dishwasher is a magical place used to hide dirty dishes so that you don’t have to look at them. 

When the Magic Dish Hider is too full, do they run the damn thing?  Fuck no.  They fill the sink with water and dish soap and leave the dishes that can’t fit into the dish washer there until the water turns a disgusting color and starts to smell slightly funky.

Another reason?  When they come home from work or running errands or whatever, you can bet your ass that there is going to be a trail of crap leading from the door to the kitchen.  They just drop mail, water bottles, lunch bags, etc. wherever the hell they happen to fall rather than make the ten extra steps or whatever to actually put this shit away.

What I really love about that is when they bitch about the fact that they can’t find anything.  Well…if you bothered to put shit where it belongs, we wouldn’t have this problem, would we?

Max has tracked dirt into the house?  Don’t worry about getting a broom or running the damn vacuum….dirt and twigs and shit add character.  You should totally leave them where they are.

Fucked up all the cushions on the couch?  Don’t bother straightening them when you get up.  Again…this adds some much needed aesthetic touches to the “meth lab” decor that I’m trying so hard to achieve.

Spill something on the counter?  Please, whatever you do…don’t wipe the damn mess up.  I’m trying very hard to get the right crusty shit to counter ratio and cleaning up after yourself will totally fuck that up.  All that Clorex Clean Up under the sink?  Don’t use that!!!  Much like the guest towels, those are for decorative purposes only.

Yes, in the grand scheme of things, this is probably not a huge deal.  There are far more important things to worry about….like the current presidential administration, human trafficking, the existence of the Chupacabra and albino midgets.  But this is just all getting on my last damn nerve.

The thing is…I woudl love nothing more than to go on strike.  Just stop cleaning up after everyone.  However, I have a sneeking suspicion that rather than take them taking the hint, they will be content to live in their own filth.

Okay…rant over.  I’ll be back to my usual semi-amusing self later.

Assault on the Stephen Hawkins Kid

Sorry about the lack of updates, but my life has just been crazy busy lately.  Add to that a big helping of drama from the assholes who run Nick’s company and you get my complete lack of will to do anything other than drink copious amounts of vodka.   

Since I’m completely incapable of coming up with any kind of a segue at 7:30 in the morning when I’ve only had one cup of coffee, I’m just going to dive right in with this.  Once, when I was about six or so I tried to assault a severely handicapped child in a motorized wheelchair.  The fact that he was handicapped had nothing to do with it…it was his wheelchair that drove me right over the edge. 

Apparently (and I say apparently because I have absolutely no memory of doing this) my mother and grandmother had taken my sister and I out shopping.  Now, as any of you who have children can attest, taking a six year old and a four year old to a mall is not the easiest of tasks.  It’s probably even more difficult when the kids in question are demon hell spawn like my sister and me.   

Exhausted after a full day of chasing after us, my mom and grandmother decided to stop and grab something to drink and sit down for a few minutes before continuing their shopping.  That’s when “the incident” happened.  Seated a few tables away from us was a woman and her handicapped child.  The child was in one of those motorized wheelchairs and when I say he was severely handicapped, I mean that this poor kid didn’t even have the ability to speak, he just kind of grunted and made these really twitchy head movements. 

Now, I had seen this kid using some kind of device that looked like a straw to control the wheelchair and for whatever reason, I thought that this looked like the most fun thing in the world and I wanted to try it.  So, I did what any demon hell spawn child would do…I walked over to him and told him that “It’s my turn to play with the toy”. 

Needless to say, this kid did not immediately get up out of the wheelchair and let me play with it, much to my shock.  I was incredulous.  How could he not share such a cool toy?  Did he have no manners?  Did his mother not teach him that sharing was just what you had to do?  Did he not watch the “Sharing is Caring” episode of Sesame Street?

To my enraged six year old mind, this kid had to be taught a lesson about sharing and I was just the person to do it. After asking him one last time if I could play with his toy and getting a response that sounded something like “Greeewakka” I grabbed this kid by the shirt and tried to forcibly remove him from his wheelchair in order to take my rightful turn on the thing.  This pissed off the handicapped kid beyond belief and he started screaming and grunting and sounding like an irate combination of Stephen Hawkings and a guy with Tourette’s syndrome.  Do I even need to mention the fact that this kid’s mother was none to happy about the situation either? 

I can’t even imagine what was going through my mom’s head when she turned around and saw her daughter trying to strangle a handicapped kid with the hood of his sweatshirt in order to steal his wheelchair.  I do remember my grandmother simultaneously threatening to sell me to the gypsies (always a big threat in the Croatian grandmother community), praying to the Virgin Mary to do something about her demon hell spawn granddaughter and trying to smack the crap out of me with her handbag.  

 Apparently, once the commotion died down and my mother had apologized profusely for my behavior, I was told to apologize to this kid.  My response?  Rather than any sort of an apology, I told the kid that he was mean and needed to learn how to share his toys. 

So, it’ may be 26 years too late, but I’m sorry little Stephen Hawkins kid.  I truly apologize for trying to strangle you with you own hoodie and drag you out of your motorized wheelchair. 

But, in my defense…it was a very cool wheelchair….so shiney…and it looked like I could totally outrun my grandmother in that thing.