Date Todd – Applications Now Being Accepted

So my friend, Todd needs a girlfriend.  We’ve discussed it and come up with a  list of requirements.  I could actually put this in list form, but I’m lazy, so here’s an excerpt from our IM conversation.

I will be accepting “Date Todd” applications via email. 

Seriously…he’s a great guy.  He’s smart and funny as hell and you should totally want to date him. So, if you meet even one or two of the requirements below and live in the greater Houston area, you should totally email me for this once in a lifetime opportunity to DATE TODD! 

 Todd: wait..unless you have a hotty there then she can know I am going commando Me: we have one or two.

Me: but no cute boys for me to look at.

Todd: screw that I am lookin out for me

Todd:): hey wait…hook me up with hotty

Todd Tisch: hotty brunette preferably

Me: I have to find out if they’re single since they’re not in my department and therefore have no authority and cannot mandate they go out w/ you.

Me: Yes, I’m in HR…not Payroll and this isn’t Office Space.

Todd:  can’t you make a new policy or something?

Me: Probably

Todd:  we need to work on this policy and the wording

Me: I’m thinking the words “no crack whores” should factor in here somewhere.

Todd: definitely should go in

Todd:  sane without the source of drugs, prescription or illicit

Me:  HEY! No mocking people on crazy pills.

Todd: ok we can re-work that one

Todd: must be able to sit and watch an entire astros game on tv or in person with no complaining

Me: oh…and there must be something about the mandatory donning of the occasional pair of underoos.

Todd: definitely must be underroos wearing clause

Todd:  must be willing to make out in public..

Todd: double check

Me: “Ass must fit in ONE and only One (1) pair of Underoos”

Me: “PDA is not optional…you must be a total make out hooker willing to be on display whenever it is deemed necessary”

Me: In a nice and respectful way, of course.

Todd:  yeah

Todd: especially when ex’s are within the same building, mandatory when in same room

Me: “Must be willing to act like Todd is the greatest thing on earth and you cannot stop fondling him in public when in the presence of any ex girlfriends”

Todd:  act like…I am

Me: “Must love Sushi but must not, at any time, smell like fish of any sort”.

Todd: sushi and sashimi

Todd: must be willing to drink beer from a bottle or can (beer is defined as any import or specialty beer as defined by majority of bars in the US unless imports or specialties are not readily available, then must not drink Miller Lite)

Me: “Must have a basic understanding of current events and not think Fallouja is a jewelry designer or something equally as stupid”

Todd: and must know who Ahmedinajad is

Me; “Must not be a ’stupid, skanky whore’ as defined by the paris hilton episode of  South
Park”

Todd:  must be politically savvy even if political leanings differ

Todd:: and realize barack obama is not some beard wearing, towel wearing dude in Afghanistan. Refer to previous statement on current events

Me: “Must love John Pinnett and still be mindful and slightly terrified of the fact that he might eat you”.

Todd: Must hate 50’s joke book readings, must not say, when in San Antonio, we should try the River Walk

Me: But she should totally want to eat nachos.

Me: cause ya know…nachos rule.

Me:  holy god and fuck I would kill for some nachos right now.

Todd: nachos do sound good

Me: Right?

Me: “Must realize the “P” is silent in pterodactyl”

Me: cause that just bugs me.

Todd: must realize it is ’supposedly’ and not supposably

Todd:  must realize there is, in fact, a difference between your and you’re

Me: “Must not wake up and decide she is a complete whack-a-doodle and shave her head on a whim”

Todd: unless willing to shave entire body

Me: Oh…No Midgets!

Me: I’m scared of midgets

Todd: yeah good thing

Me: and no albinos either.

Me: albinos are freaky.

Todd: those red eyes mess with my mind

Todd: OH!!!! MUST BE NATURAL FEMALE

Me:Oh…can’t order “Grilled Chicken Caesar Salads” every single time you go out.

Todd: those women willing to order a steak by telling the waiter you want the cook to knock it’s horns off, wipe its ass, and walk it through a warm kitchen are a plus

Me: If I put this on my blog and get hate mail from albino midgets I’m going to shit.

Todd: albino midgets with lisps will send you hate mail

Me:  Must be gainfully employed and have a life/career/outside interests of her own.

Me: Fuck! I’m going to have nightmares about albino midgets that sould like freaking Gollum in Lord of the Rings.

Todd: for purposes of this policy/application gainfully is defined as one who is able to purchase things after paying her bills

Todd: must not balk at me walking into starbucks and ordering a quadruple venti vanilla latte

Me: Must not wear freaking Mormon underware.

Todd: will even try to out do me and order a pentuple venti drink

Me: and then her heart will explode and she will die.

Todd:  okay a quadruple to match me

Me: that would be better…you wouldn’t want her exploding on the first date.

Me: or it’ll be like the syringe scene in Pulp Fiction.

Me: BONUS!!!

Todd: MUST understand the importance of the number 3000

Me: Um…does that have something to do w/ baseball?

Todd:yes it does

Todd:  if they can point out that it is baseball they are close enough

Todd: MUST be able to put up with Roy, Nick, you and Michelle when all are in a drunken state

Me: Well…duh.

Me: Must understand that I have the propensity to get things like Forsaken and Foreskin mixed up.

Me: Must under stand the word propensity.

Todd: lol

Me: must not argue with me that “extemporaneous” is not a real word, but one that I made up to sound smart.

Me: I swear to god…that actually happened once.

Todd: are you shitting me?

Me: I wish that I were.

Todd: must appreciate the value of a good chinese buffet

Me: let’s just go w/ “No Vegetarians”.

Todd:): works for me

Todd:  must understand “what you talkin’ bout willis”

Me: Must have actually read a book that wasn’t required of them.

Todd: bonus if book is by classic or neo-classic author

Todd: comprehension of the infield fly rule a huge plus

Todd: MUST not think that the rodeo is cruel to animals

Me: Can NOT have a current obesession w/ an ex boyfriend.

Todd: Must understand the importance of ‘guys night’

Me: Must have her own friends to go out with while you’re out for guys night.