Please Submit All Requests for Interviews in Writing

While I know that many of you are awaiting the post regarding my brother-in-law’s “reception” last Saturday, you’re going to have to wait a little while longer because once I started to tell the story I realized how insane it sounded (even though it’s true).  This is going to call for photographic evidence and that is going to require me to learn how to work the digital camera. 

But I promise…it will be worth it. 

Let’s put it this way:  This reception was so freaking bad it made the baby jesus cry.  It also sent my in-laws into some kind of catatonic state whereby they just kept wandering around aimlessly and mumbling “where did we go wrong with him”.  It also forced me to make our friend Roy (who was the DJ) play the Violent Femmes just so I could see the look of confusion on the faces of “the bride” who is strictly a member of the Motley Crue and Journey listening crowd. 

In other equally as insane news…guess what I did on Monday?  I gave an interview to US News & Word Report.  Yes… I am a blogging rockstar who is now in high demand by national news publications.  Okay…not really, but it sounded good. 

I received an email from a reported that had stumbled across my blog and wanted to interview me, so of course I said yes.  I mean, what better opportunity to pimp Project Date Todd?  I would love to tell you all what she asked and about my oh-so-witty responses, but honestly…she called me in the middle of a work crisis and I really have no recollection of what the hell I told her.  I’m sure I probably sounded like a bumbling idiot rather than the amazingly intelligent and sophisticated person that I am (are you buying this?), but I was (as usual) trying to do too damn many thing at once. 

Let’s just hope none of my responses were anything like “I blame Mormons and the Chupacabra for the color yellow and the smell of onions” or “I would like to respond to that, but I’m afraid of albino midgets” or even “I can’t comment because when they finally do take over, I don’t want to be the one who has angered our new alien overlords” because…ya know…that would be bad. 

The funny thing is…I always thought the first time anyone asked me to give an interview it would be for one of those publications where the headline is something like “Half Boy Half Girl Makes Self Pregnant”. 

Yes, I am slightly disappointed that this was not the case.

More Random Search Terms

 There were two search terms I forgot to mention (probably because it just came in)… 

“want to know something about typhoid psy” – why how did you know?  I’m DYING to know something about typhoid in general and typhoid psy in particular.  This is fantastic because I’ve been searching and searching for more information about the horrible typhoid psy crisis in Glocktubckistan.  I hear Bono’s going to do a benefit concert for it. 

“is it illegal to deny a cigar” – this would depend on what the cigar is asking.  Since I’m in HR I can tell you that you that it is totally illegal to deny a cigar a position with your organization based on the fact that it is a cigar.  However, you can totally discriminate against the cigar if he asks you out on a date.

Random Search Engine Craziness

Okay, who the hell are you people?  Some of you are slightly alarming if judged by what you enter into various search engines in order to arrive at this site.  Some examples: 

“Really had to Pee” – If you had to pee that badly, you would just go to the nearest restroom…you would not Google the fact that you really have to pee.  You are just trying to alarm everyone.  Stop it. 

“Hillybilly Pictures” – Why on earth would you be looking for pictures of Hillybilly’s in the first place?  Please for the love of all that is holy tell me that you don’t have some kind of Hillybilly fetish.  Also, are Hillybilly’s like Hillbilly’s only more so?  Are they some kind of Uber-Hillbilly?   

 “Nascar Sucks – Go Home” – Why yes it does, and yes they should.  Seriously, the guy who changed those freeway signs in Florida to say this is still my hero. 

“Ohio + Dead Birds” – I’m sorry to say that apparently I have been neglecting current events and was completely unaware of the dead bird crisis in Ohio.  My sincere sympathies to those of you affected by the influx of thousands of dead pigeons in the Cincinnati area. 

As a side note: This search term brings to mind that fantastic episode of WKRP in Cincinnati where they drop turkeys out of the traffic helicopter and only realize that turkeys can’t fly after the fact…that was simply genius. 

“My crazy blog thing with i” – and this is why you shouldn’t be blogging with “I”.  “I” is completely unpredictable and will cause all sorts of craziness should you allow him guest privileges on your blog.  “J” however, is much more reliable and will blog on interesting topics and increase your readership.  My advise?  Get rid of “I” and start a torrid affair with “J”.   

“Puking Chinese” – And once again my sincere hopes that this has nothing to do with any sort of deviant fetish are renewed.  The question this brings to mind?  Is this person looking for pictures of Chinese people throwing up or are they looking for pictures of someone who is not Chinese puking up Chinese food?  Or possibly puking up actual small Chinese children?  I fully expect an explanation in essay form from the person who entered this search.  You will be graded on grammar, spelling and clarity of explanation. 

“Crazy Fruk” – far more dangerous that your run of the mill Crazy Fucks.  

Now, on a topic completely unrelated to random search engine terms….  Heather Mills (the future Mrs. Ex- Paul McCartney) is going to be on that “Dancing with the Stars” show.  Is anyone but me noticing the problem with this?  Doesn’t the fact that SHE ONLY HAS ONE LEG sort of preclude her from a dancing competition. 

Now, I’m all for disabled individuals perusing their dreams of stardom.  Hell…I was totally a fan of that Corkey dude.  But she has to DANCE.  And she only has ONE LEG.  How the fuck is this a good idea?

Penguin Porn

How the hell did I NOT know about this?  The back of the movie actually mentions one penguin going on a “hunt for bootie”.

I MUST HAVE THIS.

Kickoff: Project Date Todd

HOORAY!!  Apparently a few of you have realized that Project Date Todd is NOT a joke.  Yes, ladies…this is your chance to date the one and only Todd.  Who (and I’m not kidding) is completely fantastic and you should totally want to date him. 

Of course, we can’t let Todd date just anyone, so you will need to email me so that I can verify you’re not a complete wack-a-doodle.  Bonus points to you if you’re slightly wacky in a fun way, not a “she broke into my house and killed my pet” kind of a way. 

So, for the official kickoff of Project Date Todd we’re going to have a guest blogger…yes its Todd himself with a brief yet riveting explanation of why you should date him: 

By Todd: 

“Let me tell you a bit about myself, my line of work is unique and interesting. I utilize radio-tracking (accurate to within 10 feet) to track all monkeys in the U.S. especially concered with those in transit for research or for zoological purposes. You would be surprised at the things you learn by tracking captive monkeys. Who’d have thought there was a market for this?  

What you see is what you get, a good looking guy with some fiercely loyal friends and friends who I am also fiercely loyal to as well. You will also find a guy who has a great relationship with his family and loves to spend time when he is able with his younger sister’s family (which is comprised of a brother-in-law, niece, and nephew).

You find someone who is a college educated man with two bachelor of science degrees and a minor. A guy who loves his career, his extra-curricular activities (which largely focus around church), friends, family, and knows where he wants his life to go. You will find a guy whose ideal Saturday involves catching a day game at Minute Maid Park (of course with the Astros winning), he and his lady doing a ‘costume change’ for the next stage of the day which would include a dinner at a nice restaurant followed by an evening watching something that is going on in the theater district whether it is a play, concert, musical…whatever.

Once you jump in and get comfortable with all the friends you will see it is a non-stop roller coaster of fun, with the occasional ‘whirlwind of crazy’ TM thrown in.” 

See?  Now how can you not love Todd?

My New Hero is a Computer Hacker

I have a new hero.  The hacker that changed all the electronic highway signs in Florida to read “Nascar Sucks…Go Home” right before the Daytona 500 is a genus par excellence! I love you Mr. Nascar Sucks dude.  Nascar does indeed suck ass.

Date Todd – Applications Now Being Accepted

So my friend, Todd needs a girlfriend.  We’ve discussed it and come up with a  list of requirements.  I could actually put this in list form, but I’m lazy, so here’s an excerpt from our IM conversation.

I will be accepting “Date Todd” applications via email. 

Seriously…he’s a great guy.  He’s smart and funny as hell and you should totally want to date him. So, if you meet even one or two of the requirements below and live in the greater Houston area, you should totally email me for this once in a lifetime opportunity to DATE TODD! 

 Todd: wait..unless you have a hotty there then she can know I am going commando Me: we have one or two.

Me: but no cute boys for me to look at.

Todd: screw that I am lookin out for me

Todd:): hey wait…hook me up with hotty

Todd Tisch: hotty brunette preferably

Me: I have to find out if they’re single since they’re not in my department and therefore have no authority and cannot mandate they go out w/ you.

Me: Yes, I’m in HR…not Payroll and this isn’t Office Space.

Todd:  can’t you make a new policy or something?

Me: Probably

Todd:  we need to work on this policy and the wording

Me: I’m thinking the words “no crack whores” should factor in here somewhere.

Todd: definitely should go in

Todd:  sane without the source of drugs, prescription or illicit

Me:  HEY! No mocking people on crazy pills.

Todd: ok we can re-work that one

Todd: must be able to sit and watch an entire astros game on tv or in person with no complaining

Me: oh…and there must be something about the mandatory donning of the occasional pair of underoos.

Todd: definitely must be underroos wearing clause

Todd:  must be willing to make out in public..

Todd: double check

Me: “Ass must fit in ONE and only One (1) pair of Underoos”

Me: “PDA is not optional…you must be a total make out hooker willing to be on display whenever it is deemed necessary”

Me: In a nice and respectful way, of course.

Todd:  yeah

Todd: especially when ex’s are within the same building, mandatory when in same room

Me: “Must be willing to act like Todd is the greatest thing on earth and you cannot stop fondling him in public when in the presence of any ex girlfriends”

Todd:  act like…I am

Me: “Must love Sushi but must not, at any time, smell like fish of any sort”.

Todd: sushi and sashimi

Todd: must be willing to drink beer from a bottle or can (beer is defined as any import or specialty beer as defined by majority of bars in the US unless imports or specialties are not readily available, then must not drink Miller Lite)

Me: “Must have a basic understanding of current events and not think Fallouja is a jewelry designer or something equally as stupid”

Todd: and must know who Ahmedinajad is

Me; “Must not be a ’stupid, skanky whore’ as defined by the paris hilton episode of  South
Park”

Todd:  must be politically savvy even if political leanings differ

Todd:: and realize barack obama is not some beard wearing, towel wearing dude in Afghanistan. Refer to previous statement on current events

Me: “Must love John Pinnett and still be mindful and slightly terrified of the fact that he might eat you”.

Todd: Must hate 50’s joke book readings, must not say, when in San Antonio, we should try the River Walk

Me: But she should totally want to eat nachos.

Me: cause ya know…nachos rule.

Me:  holy god and fuck I would kill for some nachos right now.

Todd: nachos do sound good

Me: Right?

Me: “Must realize the “P” is silent in pterodactyl”

Me: cause that just bugs me.

Todd: must realize it is ’supposedly’ and not supposably

Todd:  must realize there is, in fact, a difference between your and you’re

Me: “Must not wake up and decide she is a complete whack-a-doodle and shave her head on a whim”

Todd: unless willing to shave entire body

Me: Oh…No Midgets!

Me: I’m scared of midgets

Todd: yeah good thing

Me: and no albinos either.

Me: albinos are freaky.

Todd: those red eyes mess with my mind

Todd: OH!!!! MUST BE NATURAL FEMALE

Me:Oh…can’t order “Grilled Chicken Caesar Salads” every single time you go out.

Todd: those women willing to order a steak by telling the waiter you want the cook to knock it’s horns off, wipe its ass, and walk it through a warm kitchen are a plus

Me: If I put this on my blog and get hate mail from albino midgets I’m going to shit.

Todd: albino midgets with lisps will send you hate mail

Me:  Must be gainfully employed and have a life/career/outside interests of her own.

Me: Fuck! I’m going to have nightmares about albino midgets that sould like freaking Gollum in Lord of the Rings.

Todd: for purposes of this policy/application gainfully is defined as one who is able to purchase things after paying her bills

Todd: must not balk at me walking into starbucks and ordering a quadruple venti vanilla latte

Me: Must not wear freaking Mormon underware.

Todd: will even try to out do me and order a pentuple venti drink

Me: and then her heart will explode and she will die.

Todd:  okay a quadruple to match me

Me: that would be better…you wouldn’t want her exploding on the first date.

Me: or it’ll be like the syringe scene in Pulp Fiction.

Me: BONUS!!!

Todd: MUST understand the importance of the number 3000

Me: Um…does that have something to do w/ baseball?

Todd:yes it does

Todd:  if they can point out that it is baseball they are close enough

Todd: MUST be able to put up with Roy, Nick, you and Michelle when all are in a drunken state

Me: Well…duh.

Me: Must understand that I have the propensity to get things like Forsaken and Foreskin mixed up.

Me: Must under stand the word propensity.

Todd: lol

Me: must not argue with me that “extemporaneous” is not a real word, but one that I made up to sound smart.

Me: I swear to god…that actually happened once.

Todd: are you shitting me?

Me: I wish that I were.

Todd: must appreciate the value of a good chinese buffet

Me: let’s just go w/ “No Vegetarians”.

Todd:): works for me

Todd:  must understand “what you talkin’ bout willis”

Me: Must have actually read a book that wasn’t required of them.

Todd: bonus if book is by classic or neo-classic author

Todd: comprehension of the infield fly rule a huge plus

Todd: MUST not think that the rodeo is cruel to animals

Me: Can NOT have a current obesession w/ an ex boyfriend.

Todd: Must understand the importance of ‘guys night’

Me: Must have her own friends to go out with while you’re out for guys night.

Best. Sentence. EVER.

 My friend Roy , has just uttered the most fantastic sentence in the history of….EVER.  “The hookers are coming, Khari”.  This beats the shit out of “The Eagle has Landed”.  This probably also makes more sense if you read his blog and realize that he’s at a conference in Vegas.

BTW…Khari…my nickname…don’t be confused.  

 Oh…and to the person who found this site by goggling “Ohio + Dead Birds”…what the hell?!?!

Random Observations II

·        I have a “wedding reception” to go to this weekend.  The reason I put that in quotation marks is because the actual wedding took place in October in Jamaica.  Now, I’m not the etiquette police or anything (okay, I kind of am) but I’m finding this just a tad inappropriate.  Sure…if you had a destination wedding in October and a reception within about a month of your return, that’s acceptable.  Four and a half months after the fact…not so much. 

·        Brittany Spears = debacle of epic proportions.  However, this is making me feel MUCH better about my own mini-breakdown and the subsequent medical intervention that followed, a la “The Crazy Pills”.  Fuck it…at least I still have all my hair and I’m not anyone’s mother, so I can officially say “At least I’m not Brittany Crazy”. 

·        Nick had to work a concert last Sunday for a Japanese Death Metal Band.  Yes…you heard me correctly.   Japanese.  Death.  Metal.  I find this hilarious beyond belief, especially once he told me about the little girls who were screaming and passing out like those chicks who went all wonky when The Beatles came to America.  Getting slightly hysterical over John Lennon…understandable.  Getting completely hysterical over members of a Japanese Death Metal Band…um…no.  Just No. 

·        When your boss calls you into her office to tell you what a great job you’ve been doing what you really want to hear is “We’re going to give you more money”.  What you don’t want to hear?  “We’re going to give you more responsibility, and an increased work load and no more money”.  Fuck. 

·        While getting dressed this morning, I grabbed a pair of black pants from my closet.  Once I put them on, I realized that they were not the black pants I usually wear.  It took me a good five minutes of wondering whose pants I put on before I realized that they were my pants.  From FIVE YEARS AGO.  Pants that I haven’t been able to fit in since the day I bought them…and they fit perfectly.  All Hail Fucking Marlon! 

·        Speaking of the Japanese Death Metal Band…Nick had to make a sign to hang in the backstage area that said “Absolutely No Hugging the Band”.  Apparently Japanese Death Metal bands fear thirteen year olds who may possibly attempt to hug them.  Some of these thirteen year olds actually flew over from JAPAN to see these guys in HOUSTON.  Insanity I tell you. 

·        It’s odd to see someone whose band you used to go see on American Idol.  One of the contestants this year (Sundance) was in a band called Temper Scarlett here in the Houston area and they used to perform in Nick’s store (back when he was at the Deerbrook Mall Sam Goody) all the time.  They really were a great band, so I hope he does well on the show. 

·        Okay… enough w/ the random observations….I have to get to work and prove that I am worthy of the whole “more responsibility, increased workload, no more money” thing. 

Oh Spiffy….

I should be getting ready to go to lunch right now, but you wanna know what I’m doing instead?  I’m waiting for a fucking psychopath to show up at my office.
 

No shit. 

 Now, to those of you who don’t work in HR let me let you in on a little something.  We have procedures for a reason.  Sure, it’s annoying.  Sure, you want to bitch slap us over things like proper documentation and adherence to policies. Yeah…I’d like to be all “damn the man save the empire” too.  However, I can’t because I have to keep all of you people who think that our termination procedures are just something we wrote one day because we were bored in check.   

For future reference…it is NEVER a good idea to just decide to fire someone and then go and do it about 20 seconds after the idea has occurred to you, I don’t care how much of a jackass your employee is.  Why is this not a good idea you ask? Because…you have pissed of the fucking psychopath who threw things around the production room and threatened to kick your ass and now I have to deal with this idiot who outweighs by about 100lbs and is about a foot taller than I am and has threatened to kick the shit out of pretty much everyone in sight. 

Seriously?  The guy threw a drill at your head.  Now, I don’t know much about power tools and stuff, but if I’m not mistaken drills have a very pointy tip on them and I’m going to be extremely pissed off if, when this guy shows up to pick up his tools and drop off his uniforms, he decides to hit me in the head with a claw hammer or something. 

Here’s what I truly love about this whole situation.  The guy who got fired…one of those big, burley Bubba type dudes.  The guy who did the firing?  Yep…another big, burly, Bubba type dude, who is now hiding from Bubba #1 and letting me deal with him even though I’m tiny by comparison and very girly. 

This should be interesting. 

Wish me luck…